Title: Too Young to Hold On
Author: Kait (kait at frowl dot org)
Fandom: Rent
Pairing: Mark/Roger
Rating: PG-13


Roger had warned him not to come if it was going to make him uncomfortable. He had rolled his eyes and snapped at Roger for trying to take care of him, but inside his emotions were more mixed about that particular subject.

He was the only thing Roger tried to take care of anymore. A part of him was ecstatic over the fact that even while the rest of his life was becoming moot, the musician still paid careful attention to him. The other part didn't even like to think about it. Because everything else was becoming moot to Roger. Music, their other friends, his own health....

Mark shook his head as if trying to shake the thought from his mind. He didn't want to think about that. There was no reason to dwell on the differences in Roger's behavior since he had met April. There was some drug use, sure, but it wasn't that big of a deal. He still knew who he was and what he had to do, even if he didn't like doing it. Things could be worse. And they still had their moments like this. Moments of just being together.

Oh, who the fuck was he kidding?!

He knew what Roger was becoming. He knew it and he hated it. He hated knowing that his best friend was throwing away his life to heroin. He hated that nothing he said would stop him and above all else he hated the fact that he hated the way Roger was ignoring him more and more in favor of April than he hated any of those other things.

It was never supposed to be like this. They were supposed to remain best friends and become rich and famous. Mark would film Roger's music videos when they got huge and they'd buy a better place and everything would be wonderful. Roger would never find out, of course, that Mark was harboring this secret crush on him until years later when Mark had moved on and they could laugh about it easily. It was supposed to be wonderful.

It wasn't supposed to be Mark following Roger to get more junk. It wasn't supposed to be Roger stumbling home at three am not knowing where he was, where he had been, or who Mark was. It wasn't supposed to be Mark falling deeper and deeper into this overwhelming affection for his best friend that he refused to call love because it wasn't, no, it wasn't love. It couldn't be.

But somewhere... somewhere down the line they had fallen off track. Their lives were morphing into all of the "it wasn't supposed to be"s and here they were on a street corner talking to a man in a hooded overcoat as Roger scored another hit.

They walked back to the loft in silence.

"I hope that didn't make you uncomfortable," Roger asked, ruffling Mark's hair. Mark rolled his eyes as he screamed inside his head over and over again.

"That? That's just a part of life." Like the fact that I lov-like you and the fact that you're killing yourself and the fact that we're losing sight of everything we wanted to be. Like the fact that all I want is for you to be yourself and me to be myself and us to run away from this life to a place where there's nothing you can do that could make me uncomfortable. That's all I want.

"Good," Roger replied, tossing the small plastic bag in the air and catching it. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable. That's the last thing I want in the world."

Mark stopped. Roger kept walking.

"Me too," the filmmaker whispered hoarsely, biting his lip as he watched his life, his hopes, his dreams, his best friend, his potential lover, open the door to their building and leave him on the street. "Me too."

-- fin

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