Title: Broken
Author: Kait
Rating: PG
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Summary: It's not like every devestating end / brings a new beginning.
Notes: Sort of an experiment. The repeated lyric is by Matt Caplan from the song "Broken".


Broken

It's not like every devastating end brings a new beginning.

It's hard to breathe as it is, and when he thinks about Sirius his lungs stop working entirely. He has never been so betrayed. Never been so hurt. He wants to sit and cry for the rest of his life, the rest of eternity, but he can't. He can't even sit up.

His head hurts and he can feel blood congealing in slashes and bites all over his body. It's seeping into the sheets underneath him through the bandages that are coming lose again. He knows he should call Madam Pomfrey over to apply fresh salves, but he doesn't even have the strength to use his voice. Thinking hurts. Or maybe it's what he's thinking of that's causing the pain.

His mother told him to owl her if his transformations ever got too painful. He's in more pain than he's ever been in before in his life but he can't stand the thought of breaking the news to her. She loves Sirius. She accepted him into their family. She thinks he's a good influence on her son. Remus doesn't want to break her heart. He knows how much that hurts. His is in pieces, scattered in a path from the Shrieking Shack to this hospital bed.

He doubts he'll ever be able to find enough to put it back together.

It's not like every devastating end brings a new beginning.

He's staring at the newspaper. His eyes are wide. His mouth is pinched shut, his lips are nearly white. Every few moments he closes his eyes and then reopens them, as if expecting the headline to change while he's not looking.

It remains the same.

He refuses to believe this has happened. It couldn't have. Not now. Not again. Not after they had been through so much.... He shivers and clasps his hands together, bringing them up to his forehead, pressing them there and closing his eyes. He had been betrayed once before and like a fool, he had gone back. Willingly. Eagerly. And now here he is, five years later, and it is happening all over again on a much larger scale.

Dead. They are dead. James and Lily Potter are dead. Peter Pettigrew is dead. Sirius Black is....

It hurts his entire being, a sharp pain that starts in his chest and just radiates out in waves to the very ends of his graying hair. He sweeps the paper from the table without opening his eyes and lays his head upon the cool surface, ignoring the throbbing behind his temples and the tears behind his eyes. All Sirius Black had ever caused him was pain. And endings. And guilt. Because even though his two best friends are dead, all he can think about is one more kiss, one more word, one more touch.

He hates himself, but that doesn't even register amidst the sting and ache that echoes through every part of him that Sirius has ever touched.

It's not like every devastating end brings a new beginning.

He is not crying.

He is not dwelling.

He is not doing much of anything besides sitting and staring.

Molly is concerned, because he doesn't quite seem to be staring at anything. Tonks is concerned because he doesn't quite seem to be feeling anything.

In fact, the opposite of that is true. He is feeling everything. He is staring at nothing and feeling everything he has ever felt in regards to the man they are all mourning. Everything, every laugh, every smile, every touch. Every argument. Every stab of jealousy.

Every jolt of raw pain.

And he says nothing and does nothing because he can't move. He can't think. He can't live because of it. Because it's not just one end that he is feeling, it is three. Three endings, three waves of torment, three times betrayed.

And it hurts even more than it ever has before because he knows that some endings will always remain endings.

It's not like every devastating end brings a new beginning.

-end-