Title: Ceiling Study

Author: Kait Sudol (kait@frowl.org)

Date: 02.10.02

Rating: PG

Classification: Post-Ep, Josh/Donna (unresolved)

Archive: Please ask first

Spoilers: Up to Night Five. Specifically, Night Five, ITSOTG, Noel

Summary: He knows in his heart that he will not be calling her apartment tonight. He will be here, in this bed, staring at the ceiling and wishing he were wrong, wishing he had heard her wrong or taken it the wrong way.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Frowl. If they were we would not be in this sticky Amy situation. And Charlie would get more screen time. ::nod::

Ceiling Study

He is lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling because he is too frightened to call. He is too frightened to call or move or do anything that might pitch them over the edge and toss her out of his life. So instead of moving, of taking action, he will lie here and let the guilt and worry and trepidation eat him up until the alarm goes off and he can shift back into a business mindset.

He honestly hadn’t thought about it at all. Not until he climbed into bed. His mind had been racing when he left the office, the announcement of another pointless death, another grieving family, another black mark next to the administration. Memories of the previous Christmas flooded his mind, unwarranted, but almost comforting as he discovered that the pain was less and it was becoming easier to live with. The speech, too, as he passed Andrea Wyatt in the parking lot, returning to the office to retrieve a scarf left in her ex-husband’s office, a feeble excuse to return to him and apologize. Once he was home he had heard the three messages from Amy. “Call me.” “Where are you, J?” “I just heard about the problems in the Congo. I’ll call you tomorrow.” While he quietly murmured a harsh aversion to that horrid nickname, in the back of his mind there was a vague recollection of a date of some sort, but he didn’t want to spend time thinking about it now. He just wanted to change out of his suit and crawl into bed and not wake up until the alarm started to buzz in his ear, maybe not until after that. He wanted to sleep and dream of having a job with regular hours, a better paycheck, and more time to himself.

Like Donna wanted.

Oh Lord. Donna wanted a new job.

Ever since that moment of clarity he has been awake, staring at the cracks in the paint and glancing at the clock. ‘I will call her in one minute. I will call her as soon as I sort this out in my head.’ But as the minutes pass and the hour grows later he knows in his heart that he will not be calling her apartment tonight. He will be here, in this bed, staring at the ceiling and wishing he were wrong, wishing he had heard her wrong or taken it the wrong way. Wishing he hadn’t blown her off so glibly. Wishing he had the strength to pull himself from the covers and rush to his car, drive to her apartment, ask her – beg her – to stay with him. Tell her that he cannot possibly survive without her. Tell her that he needs her. And then call Amy and tell her that she was right the first time, Donna is more important than she is.

But he will not do any of that. And he knows it. He will stay in bed and watch the shadows move. He will glance at his nightstand and stare at the picture of the inaugural ball, where Donna wore that stunning red dress and danced with him until were too tipsy from the champagne to move right. He will look around the room and wince at every little part of her that is left in here from the longest summer of both of their lives. He will gaze at the walls as they turn the golden hue of a winter sunrise and as the alarm clock blares from far away and wonder why he isn’t stronger.

But maybe today he will talk to Leo about a raise. And maybe today she will get a bouquet of flowers from an anonymous benefactor. And maybe today he will smile at her and touch her and talk to her the way he used to. And maybe he will tell Amy how much he hates that nickname. Because if he can do that, it will only be a matter of time before he can tell Amy how much he hates this relationship, and tell Donna how much he needs her.

Maybe not today. But it would only be a matter of time. And as he dials Leo on his cell phone and flips through the phone book for a local florist, he decides that maybe he has time after all.

-end-

comments to kait@frowl.org