Title: light
Author: Kait
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Summary: He won't look at you and it's driving you mad.


light

He won't look at you now and it's driving you mad.

Something is wrong with him. You know it is. It has been for the past four days, ever since he came back from the pub that night, smelling of beer and whiskey and sweat and confusion. You can smell his confusion even on your most human of days, even when the wolf is dormant. It's raw and sharp like the copper smell of blood. He hates being confused, being lost or uninformed. You have to give him credit - he rarely is. But that night he came home and the smell saturated his clothes and being. He didn't sleep with you that night, rather stayed up in the study reading your old books. You rarely saw him in the mornings - he was up and at work before you rolled out of bed, but the next day you were awake and there was something wrong. Something peculiar about him.

It wasn't until he rushed from the flat that you realized he wouldn't look at you.

And that's how it's been ever since. He won't look you in the eye during the day and at night when you make love a desperation mingles with the confusion that follows him around in a thick cloud. You can't stand it. He won't talk to you, not about that, not about anything going on with him. You're more flatmates than lovers - he never touches you in the light of day.

And now you stand by the window, curtians fluttering beside you, watching with interest as the sun hides behind the clouds, as the sky gets darker, as the wind picks up, as a great clap of thunder booms through the streets. You look up. He is sitting at the table reading the paper, twitching uncomfortably every few moments. You walk towards him, your shoes deliberately hitting every squeaky board. You want him to know that you're coming.

Your hands fall to his shoulders and he stiffens. "How are you?" you ask softly. He doesn't reply for a moment.

"Tired," he suddenly sputters. "It was... it was a long week."

"I didn't know you had today off."

"They owlled this morning." He won't turn around. You can't stand it.

"Padfoot, I'm having a conversation with the back of your head. Please turn around." He's silent. "Sirius." Sitll silent. You want to scream. "Fucking look at me!" He stands, but does not turn.

"I'm sorry, I'm tired, Remus, I didn't get enough sleep last night. I think I'll just--" You take him by the shoulders and spin him. He makes a noise in the back of his throat as you push him against the wall. You're up to your elbows in the confusion that floats around him and it's making your head spin.

"The sun is gone, Padfoot," you spit. "It's gone. It's dark outside. You can look at me now. You're allowed to. There's no light left. You don't have to really see me." You stare right into his eyes. He stares back. You can't tell what he's thinking like you usually can. His eyes are clouded with fear and confusion and anger and shame and a deep sadness that you almost drown in.

"Moony, I--"

"Why can't you look at me in the light, Sirius?" You want to scream it at him, to hit him and shout and demand answers. Instead, it's in the same quiet tone you used in school when you posed questions to your professors. He closes his eyes. "What about me is so revolting that you can't stand to look at it in the light? Have you finally realized I'm a dark creature? Do you find the wolf so disgusting that you can only look at me when there's total darkness?" Your breathing is ragged as you wait for an answer. Finally, he opens his eyes again.

There are tears in them.

"No..." he whispers to you. He's shaking. "No... you're just... you're full of light, Remus. You know? Full of it. Every time I look at you all I can see is this radience. And...there's death and destruction everywhere... every day... people saying things about everyone, accusing... and I just... I can't handle the light anymore."

He slips from your grasp but does not pull away. You're trembling now as well.

When you make love that afternoon he lights every lamp and candle in the flat.

-end-