Title: meaning and failure
Author: Kait
Rating: PG
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Summary: You've failed them all by making a promise you can't bear to keep.
Notes: Spoilers for PoA.


meaning and failure

You understand pain and you understand anger and you understand resentment, but you don't understand why none of those words can be used to describe him right now. Because it's been twelve and a half years since you've seen him, because he killed your best friends, because he lost his mind and is after his own godchild and betrayed you and hurt you and he's standing here, in front of you for the first time in forever and you can't bring yourself to do anything.

A part of your brain wants you to raise your wand and scream the killing curse at the top of your lungs, or better yet, to attack him and hit him and hurt him until he bleeds and bleeds and dies slowly. That part wants to yell at him that you never loved him, that you could never love him again, that you hate him and always have and nothing's going to change that.

But... no... because Peter is here, the map says as much, and... and... Peter can't be here and there are explanations. The logical part of your brain says that calmly and serenely, not betraying the pain and anger and fear that are coursing through your veins.

Your heart has another reason, one that makes you want to kill yourself. Because it would be pointless. Because you still love him. Because you cannot use that curse unless you mean it, and you'll never mean it, not in all your years, never.

You don't want to let yourself think it. You look at Harry... and Ron and Hermione who are so relieved to see you... who you have been trying to protect... you hate yourself for betraying them, for still feeling for him, for still wanting him, for not killing him and for not telling his secrets. You've failed. You've failed them. You've failed Lily and James. You've failed Peter. You've failed yourself.

You've failed him.

Because you promised him you would protect Harry's life with your own. But you never said you would protect it with his.

.end.