Title: Parenting Skills
Author: Kait
Rating: PG
Pairing: Remus/Sirius, Remus/Other (unrequited)
Summary: And no, it's not because Molly thinks she lacks parenting skills.
Notes: Slight spoilers for OotP.


parenting skills

After the argument is over, after the screaming has stopped and the Order has packed up to go home and your children - for they are all your children, even the two that don't share your blood - are in bed, you can't help but watch them.

You hate watching them. You hate it because you're not sure what you feel, you can't identify many of the emotions, only anger and jealousy. Remus runs his fingers lightly through the other's hair and whispers into his ear, touches him, does anything he can to calm him down.

"You're a good godfather, Siri. Don't worry about it, don't dwell on it, you're more than adequate, you're right in what you did, don't worry..." You can hear the whispers from across the room, you see the very light kisses that are usually never shared in front of anyone else. Remus catches your eye and nods when he see you staring, letting you know that yes, he knows you're looking and that this is something special and that the fact that they're letting you see it means something.

You turn away angrily. You don't want to be a part of it.

You hear Arthur rustle his paper a little too deliberately, a little too precisely. The tension is so heavy it's hard to keep standing and your husband has never handled confrontation well. You ignore him and go back to manically doing the dishes.

You won't admit to yourself that the reason you're so upset is because he's never called you a good mother.

And it's silly because you know you are and who is he to judge, really, just a regular man, no children of his own, not even a godchild or niece or nephew. But it does matter, and you don't want to admit it to anyone, it kills you to see him sitting there with Black telling him that he's a good parental substitute, that he's doing all right, to have faith. Black nods and soaks it up and allows Remus to tell him that he's all Harry has.

You break a dish and quickly mend it with a frustrated spell.

He is not all that Harry has. Harry has you. Harry has a mother and a REAL family, which is more than Black can ever provide for him.

But neither of them see you or hear you and they continue talking and touching and holding each other until there are more touches than words and they nearly drunkenly excuse themselves for the night.

A part of you remembers Remus' look. 'This is special' it had said. 'This is sacred and I don't want to share it with anyone but him, but you can see it. See what it means? See what I'm saying to you?' They never would have put that display on for anyone else, but the part of you that should feel pride is mingling with jealousy.

Because he never called you a good mother and he always takes Black's side and he's always at Black's side and he deserves so much more than that. He's a good person, a smart person and a witty person and a kind person and he's wasting it all on Black who's so very close to being the opposite of all that.

You watch them leave and you break another glass, mend it quickly, and glance to Arthur, who hasn't noticed. You frown, frown deeply because you know what's going to happen now. He's going to go upstairs with Black and they're going to touch and kiss and hold and Remus is going to whisper, fervently, that Black's a good godfather.

And it hurts because he'll never tell you that you're a good mother.

.end.