Title: Perceived Weaknesses
Author: Kait
Rating: PG
Summary: It had been a mistake. You let your emotions, your jealousy and anger get the best of you.
Pairing: Remus/Sirius, Remus/other (unrequited)
Notes: A sequel to an earlier fic entitled Parenting Skills. Will eventually be a trilogy.


Perceived Weaknesses

He's sitting in the study by himself. He's drinking, sitting on one of the couches with his legs folded neatly behind him. You want to scream, at him at yourself... you're not sure. But you never wanted to hurt him, that was the last thing you wanted. You should have known that hurting Black was like stabbing him through the heart as well.

"Remus," you say softly. He looks at you. Gives you a wan smile. Your heart breaks. He places the glass on the end table and pulls his legs off the couch onto the floor.

"I hate to be rude, Molly, but Sirius will probably be back momentarily and he's, ah... well, he probably would not be overjoyed to see you here." You know he wants you here just as little as Sirius does, if not more so, but you stand your ground.

"Remus, I'm sorry about that, before. I ju--" He holds up a hand before you can even finish.

It had been a mistake. You had let your emotions, your jealousy and anger get the best of you. Another argument in the kitchen after a meeting. With the children long at school you hadn't bothered to try and keep your voice down or your barbs and less poisonous. Words flying between you and Black, screams and utter frustration. Accusations. Many of them, things everyone had been thinking but no one had been saying. Once again, everyone seemed to take Black's side or stay out of the argument altogether and it made you more angry than you could express. Then he stepped in.

And it wasn't true. You know it wasn't true because you know him, and if anyone was ever able to be logical and practical and thorough, it was him. But you said it anyway and the room went silent and instead of screaming back, instead of denying it, instead of retaliating like Black, he just excused himself and left the room. You take his side... you always take his side! Always, Remus! The only reason you agree with him is because you're sleeping with him! Because you have so much guilt that you think you have to agree!

You hadn't meant to say it but you did and now he was hurt. You had paid for it. Oh god, Black's voice shook the entire building, woke his mother up, shocked everyone including you into silence. He left after that. Got up and followed Remus out, calling his name.

Part of you hates yourself for saying it, but the rest finds the whole ordeal ridiculous. They're grown men and everyone, everyone in the order knows that they're together. Yet they don't speak of it. Ever, it seems, to anyone but themselves. They don't touch or kiss in public. They don't advertise their relationship or explain it. They won't talk about it. At the same time, they display no shame or embarrassment when caught kissing or groping in dark rooms or hallways. It makes little sense to you and you just want to scream at them sometimes. That it's so bloody stupid to keep up this charade, the only people who haven't figured it out are the children.

But as you stand here, staring at the man curled in front of the fire, all you can feel is the loathing. How could you say that about him? About him, Remus, who's so loyal and calm and practical and sweet? About Black, yes, Black deserves all that and more, but Remus?

"I'm so sorry, Remus," you whisper to him, biting at your lip. He offers another weak smile but says nothing, staring into his glass. "I didn't... I don't think that. I don't really believe it, dear, I just... I got so worked up... and I was so angry, I just... I don't even know." You don't like being flustered and you go to turn and leave when he speaks.

"I know, Molly. I understand. This is a war." He says that a lot and you can't, for the life of you, figure out the significance of its constant repetition. "Tensions are running high and people are still at odds. And you just... you need to remember that you and Sirius are on the same side." You want to shake him. You wanted him to scream at you, to yell. Curse. Any sort of reaction to make up for what you did to him. He's silent. You remain silent as well. After a moment he gestures towards an armchair and you take a seat.

"You know," he says finally. "Boggarts are funny things." You look up but say nothing, waiting for him to make some sort of connection. "The more mature the mind gets, the more come becomes aware of the properties of the boggart... it's possible for it's form to change. I've been studying boggarts since my days at Hogwarts, and over time I've been able to teach my mind how to react to them, so to speak. To me, the boggart takes the shape of the full moon. But it's not the moon I fear, exactly. Many years ago I learned to live with my transformations themselves. It's what could happen during the moon that I'm terrified of."

You blink, still not sure what he's trying to say. He reaches for his glass and brings it to his lips, lost in thought. After a short time, he continues.

"I fell in love with Sirius when I was fourteen years old. And several weeks later, I had the first dream. Sirius out on the grounds on the night of the full moon and my other self... the wolf... escaping. They were not pleasant dreams, nor dreams I could share with my friends until much later." The glass is returned to the end table. The liquid is the same color as his eyes, eyes that are now focusing behind you. You turn slightly. Black is in the doorway, holding an unopened bottle of liquor. His eyes are stormy, vaguely confrontational. You move to stand to avoid another argument, but Remus holds a hand up to stop you.

"You never told me that before," Black says, an indistinct challenge in his voice. Remus calmly gestures for him to come over, and he takes a seat on the couch. He sits next to Remus, placing the bottle on the table before settling down half-turned so he can face the other man, his right arm stretched over the back of the couch.
"It was never pertinent," Remus finally answers. It squashes further interruption from Black; though he looks slightly uncomfortable he remains silent.
"The dreams were frighteningly realistic," he continues. "I was afraid to go back to sleep after I screamed myself awake. Fourth and fifth year were the worst. The more I stressed over my feelings for Sirius the worse the dreams became. I would put silencing charms on my curtains every night. I refused to tell my friends what was happening. It wasn't until Madam Pomfrey caught me in the midst of one after a transformation that I got some comfort. Dumbledore taught me some techniques, Occulmency, to block them out. After a few weeks I was able to block them out almost completely, and after fifth year if they bothered me I merely had to crawl into bed with Sirius to keep them at bay." Sirius runs his fingers through Remus' hair and for a moment you have to bite back a frown. What did Black ever do to deserve such a selfless creature? You hold your tongue, however, and look up to catch his eyes. They are bright, alert, expressive. They're talking to you.

'We're alike, you see. I fear the same things you do. I have the same weaknesses. And I love him and only him.'

You're embarrassed suddenly. For your anger. Your jealousy. For hurting him. For thinking that hurting him or hurting Black or hurting anyone would change the way things are. You're ashamed of yourself.

"I'm sorry," you whisper in response to his silent statement. He forces another smile and presses into Sirius' touch. The smile doesn't reach his eyes, which suddenly seem sad. Defeated.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Molly," he whispers. "We have the same weaknesses, you know. The boggart turns into the moon because I fear what the moon might unleash on those I love. I lost Sirius for thirteen years. Many I do agree with him because of the guilt I feel from that." You say nothing and Black presses small kisses into Remus' temple desperately, like promises. Promises of what, you're not sure. Love and affection and eternal devotion. Possession as well, for you understand the action for what it is, marking his territory like his canine counterpart. 'Mine.'

"So, what was the point of that story, love?" Remus rests his temple against Black's forehead. He smiles gently.

"The point is that although you are my soft spot, Siri, I still take every precaution when dealing with you. I lost you once and never want to lose you again because of a rash decision on my part. I want to keep you and everyone else that we love as safe as possible. I only take your side when I'm sure it's the right one, one that's logical and one that's not dangerous." From his tone of voice you can tell that he was a fabulous professor, better than any you've had, better than the children's stories, even. You nod at him and flush, defeated. He gives you one last look, one last half smile, before returning his attention to Black.

'I still trust you,' it says.

"Is that it?" Black is saying as you stand up.

"Well, there's always the other part about how I love you more than anything else in the world and if you ever leave me again I'll... well, just don't and we'll leave it at that."

"Mm, I like that moral better..." A pause. "And... I love you too, Moony. So much. So bloody much it kills me."

You silently close the door behind you.

-end-