Title: seduction
Author: Kait
Rating: PG
Pairing: Remus/Sirius (sorta...)
Summary: Mistrust hurts. Love hurts even more.


seduction

seduction, my love, is dangerous.

i don't think that You were ever really cognizant of that. You thought it sly, but even that is a double-edged sword, lovely.

seduction is deception, You realize.

how long did You think it would take me to connect them? words flying from Your mouth, gentle and loving and thick and hot, they came so easily...so easily. later, as i lay tangled in the sheets (dying embers glaring up at me from the ashtray by the bed - i told You not to smoke in bed, i told You i hated cigarettes, and never, never did You smoke until the guilt was nearly palpable in our relationship) watching You roll to the edge...the edge farthest from me, afraid to touch me, afraid to be infected - dark creature, dark creature, stay away, don't touch, don't hold, don't look - i would wonder if the words came as easily in other things. yes, James, you can trust me, yes, Dumbledore, i'll watch over them, yes, Remy, i love you.

seduction is dangerous. a whirlwind of thoughts overtook me then. what were You thinking, what were Your intentions, what had happened to the lazy autumn days of warm sweaters and warmer arms, the autumn days of last year and the year before and our time at school and...and...what had happened to my beautiful rebel, my stalwart fighter with the long black hair and enchanted motorbike. our nights alone were gone - meeting james...talking to peter...going for a ride...don't wait up... - nights that you used to stop time and space for. You didn't care. You didn't want me. You couldn't stand me.

why?

seduction is lies. i would sit for hours, waiting up, watching the stars move across the sky and trying, trying so very hard to dismiss the movement of the dogstar as it lodged itself parallel to the moon. never, never, never. no, my love would never hurt me. but it's hard to believe when the bed is cold and the heart is colder and you don't know who to trust. it is funny, i think now, that when i was trying so hard to love You, all i could think of were reasons to hate You. now, i try so hard to hate You and the memories are so good. so beautiful. Your hands and Your touch and Your jokes...no misgivings come to mind. i cannot see the deception, the pain and the guilt and the mistrust. i see only the gentle boy who's arms surrounded me, who's spirits lifted mine from the murky pit of fevered longing to the top of creation with only a brilliant smile.

i tried to think of the good. i truly did. but my mind kept wandering, running loose, forgetting the love and kindness You showed me, forgetting that You took me in when no one else would, forgetting that You taught me to love me...remembering only the seduction. remembering only that seduction is lies. remembering only that there was a spy among us.

-end-