really amusing bad rentfic written by kait and me.. mocking all the angsty slashy rentfic's we've read (or written (-; )


ok, this all stared with a "story starter" from renata, who was trying to get people to post. and kait and i were talking about how she'd make it all angsty and slashy . . .


renata's story starter:
Mark stared at the open can of olives. He liked olives. Particularly
black ones. One by one, he put an olive on each finger. Delightedly,
he ran into the next room. "Roger!! Roger, look!"


megan:
"as mark happily ate the olives off his fingers, he gasped, seeing roger pull out a stash, choking on the olive, mark fell to the floor, unconcious"\


kait:
"he choked on the olive and started to suffocate. Roger, because he's not to bright, thought that Mark was already dead and killed himself for being so selfish."


megan:
"just then, mimi ran in,"you guys!! maureen's caught in the subway tracks! come quick!!" seeing roger dead, and mark on the floor, obviously choking... and with olives on all but one finger, she moved over to mark and gave him the heimlich, the olive shot out and bounced off of roger's lifeless body"


kait:
"Mimi pulled Mark out of the loft to follow her without explaining. When they were halfway there, Mark finally asked what was wrong. "Maureen's caught in the subway tracks!" she exclaimed. Mark paused to consider this. "How long ago did she get caught?" "About ten minutes." "Mimi...trains run every five..." "


megan:
"mimi's face lost what little color it had, "then mark... that means..." mark fell to his knees holding his head in his olive fingered hands, "of if only you'd gotten there sooner... and if only roger wasn't such a moron! and if only... if ONLY I HADN'T EATEN THAT OLIVE" sobbing, mimi grabbed his hand and continued to pull mark towards the subway station, "we have to TRY to save her! we have to!" see, mimi wasn't to bright either..."


kait:
""This is all Roger's fault!" Mark sobbed as he followed Mimi down the stairs to the subway station, because of course *everything* is Roger's fault and everyone knows that."


megan:
"meanwhile... back in the loft, roger wasn't really dead! being that he's not too smart, he had failed in killing himself, cutting the *top* of his wrist rather than the bottom. in additon the that flaw, he had attempted to use mimi's ladybic razor, which was old, and not horribly sharp"


kait:
back at the subway station..."Oh my God! Mark Look!! There she is! She's okay!" Maureen was indeed okay, standing off to the side, plastered against the wall. She smiled at Mark and Mimi, and ran to greet them as the train finally pulled away. "MAUREEN!" shouted Mark. "Don't touch that third rail!" *FIIZZ!!* Too late.


megan:
"well, damn" said mark. together, he and mimi stood sobbing as police officers tried to control the crowd that had gathered to point and gawk at maureen, just then, roger came running down the stairs, looking for mark, who he thought to be dead. seeing mark and mimi in an embrace, he immediately assumed mimi was cheating again, and ran back out onto the street"


kait:
"Mark saw Roger run down and up the stairs over Mimi's shoulder. He gasped. Roger was DEAD!! He quickly let go of Mimi and ran after Roger to see where he was going. Mimi ran after Mark because...well, she felt like it. God, does everything everyone does have to be validated for you people?! Mark finally caught up with Roger. "Roger!" he cried. "I thought you were dead!!" Roger replied by socking him in the jaw. "But...but...why? Roger, can't you see I LOVE you??!" he sobbed from the ground."


megan:
"roger looked at mark... "no, i saw you... i SAW YOU, with MIMI, how could you mark, how could you!?" just then, mimi caught up, it had taken her longer because, as usual she was wearing three inch stilletto heeled boots... "roger... what the hell are you doing? and mark?! i thought you were seeing steve!!" realizing that she'd just let mark's secret slip, she clapped a hand over her mouth "i mean... uh... "


kait:
"Mark's lower lip trembled as his secret was let out. He burst into hysterical tears. Awww...how cute! Um..erm...I mean sad. "It's true! But he's using me!! It's lust, only lust, nothing REAL, not like what Roger and I feel for each other!! I'm sorry, Mimi, but what we have is--" Mark looked up at that moment. Roger and Mimi, so excited to find that they weren't cheating on each other, were making out. Mark frowled."


megan:
"just then, joanne ran up to them "hey guys, have you seen maureen" being that mark was in a bad mood, he simply grumbled "yeah, she's over there, in the subway"


kait:
""thanks Mark!" Joanne said cheerfully as she ran off to the subway. Mark 'hmph'ed and crossed his arms, glaring at Roger and Mimi as they broke apart. "Wait a second...the subway...you guys were in the subway..." Roger muttered, rubbing his temples as if trying to stimulate deep thought, even tho that was impossible. "A secret rendevous! You're all cheating on me with Maureen!!" Mimi rolled her eyes and bitchslapped, Roger, walking after Joanne and grumbling about guitar playing and loss of brain cells."


megan:
"roger looked around, confused by everything (manely would be very good as this roger) "mark, are you cheating on me with maureen?" mark grumbled angrily "well, if you'd ever pay attention to me roger... maybe i wouldn't be so tempted to go back to her. mimi was right when she said you were afraid to commit!" roger looked around "hey, where'd mimi go? wasn't she just here? kissing me? huh?"


kait:
"Mark sighed heavily. Why was he in love with Roger again? He honestly couldn't remember, except that it had something to do with hot pants, Frank Sinatra, and an oven-roasted turkey. Oh well. It didn't really matter, it was just a ConvenientPlotDevice, after all. "Roger, I can't believe you sometimes! I sit here pouring my heart out to you and all you can think about is Mimi!" Mark sobbed. "Um...yeah...so...do you know where she is?" Mark screamed and threw an olive at Roger."


megan:
"roger caught the olive and ate it. "jeeze man, if i'd known you were gonna be so emotional i wouldn't have asked... hey, you're a little worked up about mimi, are you sure she's not cheating one me with you?" mark rolled his eyes at roger "are you a total dolt?! i'm dating steve! you know, the guy with the diva shirt and poofy hat from the life cafe, not mimi!!" roger looked confused, "but, i thought you still loved maureen..." mark sighed "well, see, i love maureen, but steve's just so... well good, you know what i mean... but you... oh roger, i live for you!!" roger looked confused again "so dude, you're bi? i SO never would have guessed!"


kait:
"Mark was about two seconds away from killing Roger again, when Mimi came running out of the subway entrace. Well, sort of wobbling on her heels, but you get the point. "Mark! Roger! Anyone! Help!" Mark and Roger exchanged a look. "Deja vu..." Mimi hobbled up to them. "It's Joanne! She's so overcome with grief she's threatening to kill herself!" "Do you think they'll give us a group discount at the funeral home?" Mark mused. Mimi blinked at him. "Um, I mean, we have to stop her!"


kait:
they all ran towards the subway, except mimi, who hobbled after, cursing her boots, when the arrived, they saw that joanne had pulled a letter opener out of her breif case and was holding it to her neck, sobbing, mark yelled to her "joanne, i didnt' want to tell you this... but maureen's been cheating on you!! with ..." he took a deep breath "alexi... " joanne looked at him, astounded...


megan:
they all ran towards the subway, except mimi, who hobbled after, cursing her boots, when the arrived, they saw that joanne had pulled a letter opener out of her breif case and was holding it to her neck, sobbing, mark yelled to her "joanne, i didnt' want to tell you this... but maureen's been cheating on you!! with ..." he took a deep breath "alexi... " joanne looked at him, astounded...
YomegaMoo: they all ran towards the subway, except mimi, who hobbled after, cursing her boots, when they arrived, they saw that joanne had pulled a letter opener out of her breif case and was holding it to her neck, sobbing, mark yelled to her "joanne, i didnt' want to tell you this... but maureen's been cheating on you!! with ..." he took a deep breath "alexi... " joanne looked at him, astounded...


kait:
"Maureen is cheating on me?" Roger asked slowly. Mark smacked the back of his head pretty hard. "No you MORON!!! You're not DATING Maureen, Joanne is." "And...?" Roger asked slowly, trying hard to discern Mark's point. "And thus she's cheating on Joanne, not you!" Mark shouted. Roger took a moment to digest this. "Oh. Okay." Joanne, meanwhile, was furious. "I'll get that little Asian harlot if it's the last thing I do!" Mark was going to try and stop her, but frankly, Alexi got on his nerves."


megan:
" mimi smiled at roger, and all of roger's previous confusion was forgotten, they began making out again, mark just rolled his eyes. joanne put her letter opener back in the briefcase and organized her papers, pulled out her address book and skimmed through "darling... hrm... darling... ah! here we are, alexi darling, work: 978-4301 or at home: 863-6754 or... ah, her cellphone, 919-766-0090..." joanne pulled her cellphone out and dialed alexi's cellphone number, looking grimly at mimi, roger, and mark."


kait:
Mark looked grimly at her as well. Mimi and Roger were too busy to look at anyone. Mark frowled again and decided to eat an olive. Maybe it would make him feel better. He did, and it didn't really. "Alexi? Hi, this is Joanne Jefferson. Uh-huh....uh-huh...well, no, actually I'm just calling to invite you to maureen's funeral and suggest you get your skanky ass into hiding before I show up at your house and hit you until you bleed."


megan:
mark could hear the high, annoying voice of alexi on the other end of the phone, from the sound of it, she was denying everying, before she could say much more, joanne hung up. collins ran up behind joanne "guys! i heard something about maureen in the subway! we need to help her!" mark pulled collins aside and explained the situation... collins and mark returned to the group, looking very grave. "well, just make sure you don't go to the place we went with angel... those people are jackasses" collins advised mark and joanne.


kait:
"Hey when did Collins get here?" Roger asked about ten minutes later, when he and Mimi finally let go of each other. "About ten minutes ago. You guys were too busy snogging to notice," Mark grumbled. Roger snickered "Snog..you used British slang...hehe that's cute." Mark beamed because Roger called him cute in a sort of roundabout way. They all stood quietly for a moment. "So..what do we do now?" Joanne asked. "Why don't we go to the Life Cafe?" Collins suggested. So they did, leaving Maureen's body behind.


megan:
upon arrival at the life cafe, they were greeted by their usual waiter he and mark shared a secret smile as they walked in. they all sat down and ordered, though they all felt a little heartsick when no one ordered pasta with meatless balls, it had been maureen's favorite dish...


kait:
Collins and Mark tried to start a riot, but Mimi and Roger wouldn't participate. Watching them explore each others stomachs was finally too much for Mark to bare. "GOD YOU TWIT!! DOESN'T THE FACT THAT I LOVE YOU MEAN ANYTHING??!!!" Roger looked up, confused. "Wha?" he said. Steve who was now a waiter in a floppy hat and diva shirt, because it made it less confusing for Kait, looked heart broken. "Mark! What about me?!" he sobbed.


megan:
megan grumbled angrily about the waiter and floppy hatted steve being combined into one character, while mark sulked and drank his tea. collins found himself alone in the rioting, and sat down, sad that there was no one to riot with. mimi glanced at her watch "oh shoot! i was sposed to meet benny five minutes ago!!" everyone turned to stare at her "er... i mean... go to work! bye roger!!" she leaned over and kissed roger, who was torn between being angry and confused, and ran out the door.


kait:
Kait pointed out that in the b'way cast Steve does play the waiter, while Paul plays the floppy hat dude, so she gets confused easily with the changes. Roger, however, decided that he would be a mixture of both. "Mark!" he whined (manley Roger again...). "Mimi's cheating on me! What do I do?" Mark saw his chance. "You could always...cheat on her back..." he said, raising a suggetive eyebrow. "Good Idea!" Roger exclaimed. "With who?" The sheer moronicness of Roger caused Mark to fall over, growling.


megan:
megan whined about broadway cast and benny cast being confusing, but continued the story anyhow... roger looked around "hey, she's pretty!" and started to saunter over to a girl wearing brown pleather pants and a black cropped t-shirt... mark looked at her for a second "dude... she almost reminds me of... my...mom! yikes!" when roger reached her, she smiled and said "so, how's mimi?" roger became flustered and ran back over to mark.


kait:
Mark snickered, but tried to hide it from Roger, who was pouting at him. He really had an urge to jump Roger, but he was really sick of doing all the work, so he just sat there, staring at Roger and smiling. Roger still didn't get it. "YOU IDIOT!" Joanne seethed, but stopped as soon as a girl in a fuzzy pink bra came into the cafe. It looked like...but no...it couldn't be...it WAS!! "DIE BITCH!" she yelled, running towards Alexi with a spoon.


megan:
mark watched joanne launch herself off a table on to alexi, and mused aloud "i never knew pink fuzzy bra girl was alexi!! wow, i must not pay much attention.." he looked at roger, who was busy admiring his reflection on a spoon. "roger!" mark pushed him "dude, pay attention!" roger looked at mark and said "hey, she's cute!" pointing to alexi, who was hiding behind a guy in a ripped up shirt and leather jacket while joanne threw things at her and yelled loudly.


kait:
Mark pouted. Apparently Roger thought that everyone was cute, not just him. He would have frowled some more, but decided it would be more productive to help Joanne throw things. So he did. And he missed. And he hit Joanne. With a stake knife. "Dude...Joanne's bleeding a lot..." Roger said. Collins decided he was much to smart for these morons and was sitting at another table, having a philosophical debate. Mark burst into tears. Again.


megan:
joanne spun around "godDAMMIT mark!! i was making good progress!" she twisted around to look at her arm, where mark had hit her with the steak knife... "jeeeeeeze mark!" she pulled out her trusty cellphone and called 911 "hello? 911? aw dammit, i'm on hold!! this city's emergency response needs some friggin operators!!" mark continued his sobbing... roger, who was confused by all the goings on, turned and patted mark on the head "uh... there there... there there"


kait:
Mark took the head-patting as a declaration of unconditional love and threw his arms around Roger, crying into his shoulder. Roger was going to ask what was happening, but a shinyshiny platter was placed at the table across from him, and he couldn't take his eyes from it.
Steve stood in the corner, plotting sweet, sweet revenge.


megan:
mark was now crying tears of joy, and roger was holding him, but actually thinking about how shiny that platter was... just then, joanne got through to 911 "hello? yes, i'm at the life cafe, - - yeah, that's the one, where everyone's always dancing on tables... anyhow, my friend just threw a steak knife at me and i'm bleeding rather badly, would you mind sending ambulance? - - yes, yeah... thanks... " she hung up and turned to glare at mark... but saw he was too busy clinging to roger, who was muttering about shiny objects


kait:
Mark glanced up at Roger, and realized that he was no longer paying attention to Mark, but to some shiny thing across the room. Remembering Mimi's very shiny pants, he suddenly realized why they were a couple. He was going to shout at Roger but--shiny....shiny....shiny plate...oooo.... Joanne waved her hand in front of his face a few times but he didn't move. Joanne was sad, because she had a really good bitching out saved up for him.


megan:
mark was beginning to get an idea... he looked over to where alexi was cowering behind the counter... and noticed she had shiny rings, and a sparkly necklace, mark ran over and took them from her, putting on the necklace and rings "roger! hey roger!" roger turned and looked at mark "what mark? what do yo-- heeeeeeeeeeey!" he had noticed the shiny additions "so, how YOU doin?"


kait:
Mark grinned triumphantly as Roger started to act extra suave. Of course, it came out as extra stupid, but it's really the thought and extreme lust that counts, isn't it? Joanne, meanwhile, was becoming more and more perturbed with her friends, not to mention the missing ambulance. She was happy that Mark stole from Alexi, sure, but the knife throwing part was sort of annoying.


megan:
mark threw himself into rogers arms, crying again, tears of joy. joanne roller her eyes at them, but luckily, the ambulance arrived, and paramedics rushed in. before joanne could say anything, alexi jumped up "that woman was throwing silverware at me!" she yelled. indeed, there were some little cuts on her face, so the paramedics put her on a strecher, put her in the ambulance and took offf, before joanne even had a chance to say anything.


kait:
Joanne was enraged. Joanne was embittered. Joanne had had it. Suffice to say, she was reallyreally mad. She grabbed Mark away from Roger by his collar and swung him around. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND I WON'T BE SATISIFED UNTIL YOU BLEED LIKE I AM!!" she roared. Mark whimpered. Roger chased after them, muttering "shinyshinyshiny..." "What did I do?" Mark asked. "Besides getting Maureen killed, Telling me about Alexi, and throwing a knife at me YOU'RE WEARING GOLD AND SILVER THAT CLASH WITH EACH OTHER!!!"


megan:
mark looked joanne's outfit up and down "well, you know, tuxedo pants really don't go with that sweater, but i'm not yelling at you about it, sheesh!" and turned back to roger, who was anxiously hopping from foot to foot behind them. joanne ripped them apart again "dammit mark!!" she grabbed a steak knife and lunged at mark, but roger, being the nobel person he is, jumped in front of mark, in an attempt to save his shiny objects


kait:
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Mark wailed as the steak knife sliced into Roger's arm. "NOOOOOO!!" Roger had AIDS and that was bad because it meant that they had to bandage his arm before they could start making out. Roger didn't seem to notice, he became disinterested in the knife weilding Joanne once the knife got covered in his blood and lost the shininess. "Ooooh...ShinyMark is safe...shiny shiny Mark..." Mark glared and Joanne and patted Roger on the head.


megan:
mark grabbed joanne's cell phone from her and dialed 911, surprisingly he got through... "hello? yes, i'm at the life cafe, there's been another stabbing!!" mark arranged for an ambulance to be sent, and took his shirt off, using it to bandage roger's arm, so they could continue making out. joanne looked exasperated and stomped out of the cafe.


kait:
As Mark and Roger made out in the corner waiting for the ambulance, Steve glared at them from the otherside of the cafe. He would have his revenge...he cackled some, because it sounded neat. Of course, he wasn't sure what his revenge would be yet, but he would have it. The ambulence pulled up and the boys tried to make their way inside of it without breaking apart. Steve followed behind them in a neat car that materialized out of nowhere. It was purple. Kait likes purple.


megan:
steve also liked purple, so he was quite merry as he careened through the streets of new york after the ambulance. suddenly, a large truck ran a light, driving directly into the path of the ambulance, the drivers slammed on their breaks, hoping to avoid a certainly deadly collision, steve however did not notice the truck.


kait:
Steve was so busy admiring the purple that he saw his collision course too late. he slammed right into the back of the ambulance. The airbag that popped up had a smiley face on it, and that made Steve mad, because the smiley face was happy and he really wasn't. Especailly after he looked up and realized that he could see into the back of the ambulance. *Maybe I killed them!* he thought brightly. Much to his dismay, everyone else in the back of the ambulance was dead, but Mark and Roger were still making out


megan:
steve began untangling himself from the cheery airbag, and eventually managed to crawl out the back door of the car. he looked around, rubbing his eyes... mimi and benny were running towards him, well, benny was pulling mimi, who was stumbling in her boots, which were a different pair than before. steve noticed that benny's shirt was buttoned wrong, and mimi had her shiny pants on backwards. he pointed to the ambulance, mimi looked inside "DAMMIT ROGER!" she yelled. roger jumped, hitting his head on the wall, and falling over sideways, mark looked at her, with a guilty yet happy expression


kait:
Roger looked back and forth between Mark's shinyshiny jewlery and Mimi's shinyshiny pants. He was torn, his brain obviously going into overload with the amount of shinyness in his periferal vision. He didn't know what to do...until Benny put on his UltraShiny sunglasses and took out his UltraShiny cellphone. It was like flies to honey.


megan:
roger ran towards benny, embracing him, mimi looked angry, and mark looked crushed. mark was also sad because he didn't have his shirt anymore, he'd have to go home and get one of his others, which all looked just like the shirt he'd used on roger's arm, but still, as of right now, mark was without a shirt. benny, who was attempting to call alison, was caught off gaurd by roger's running embrace, and the force of it knocked him backwards into a puddle.


kait:
"Benny, who are you talking to?" Alison squacked from the other end of the phone. "What are you doing?" "Shut up, Muffy!" Roger called into the phone, but then stopped. "Shinyshinyphone...." He started to pet it, one arm still around benny, who was glaring at him as mud soaked into his expensive pants. He took off his sunglasses to give Roger the full extent of his glare. As soon as they were off, Roger balked. "EW! Get offa me!" he squealled at Benny.


megan:
roger stood up, attempting to look cool "psh, stupid yuppie scum!" he yelled in benny's direction. he turned to face mark and mimi, mark was sitting on the ground looking forlorn and mimi was looking pissed off, but very shiny. roger put his hand on mark's shoulder as he walked by, but ultimately grabbed mimi and began making out with her yet again.


kait:
Mark pouted and looked around for someone to complain to. Steve was trying to get his car out of hte ambulance and looking very frustrated. "Steve!" he whined. "Did you see what he did to me?! Did you see how he used me for my...my...shinyness?!" Steve growled. "Quit your damn bellyaching and help me with this!" Mark really didn't feel like helping, so he decided to go hom eand get a new shirt instead.


kait:
Joanne came back from the hospital to find Avenue B a wreck. There was an ambulance crashed in the middle of the Road. Steve was sitting ontop of a mangled purple car looking pouty, Mark was frowling at Roger and Mimi who were making out, and Benny was showing off his new pants, not the mention that traffic was backed up around the block. Joanne glanced up as the wind started to whip around her. A traffic copter was getting in close to the accident. The shinyness set Roger off immediately. He ran towards it and in its haste to get away, it crashed, killing everyone. The very very very very end!