must... not.... cry...
heather is sad enough for both of us tonight. oh, drunkeness is an awful essential for the 21st birthday... i hope she's feeling better... and that tom figured out whether or not she lost her purse.... and... that they got ahold of derek to make sure she was doing ok..... and... yes.
in hindsight, i was insisting on going out because it was heather's birthday.... but i doubt she even remembered me being there... ah, well, in all honesty, i was also going because i knew both derek and gabe would be there, and i wanted to gauge how over each of them i really was (it was an experiment!). i was really surprised by how that panned out. good news is... i'm over derek. which i knew. but... uh, yes. dammit alll. now i have like, four (million)... factors that are making me rather miserable. my foot and financial situation included (can't walk, can't work...). i hate straight men so much... (that's why i only date the gay ones. har har har. oh but it's true ...*sob*) but.... really i do. i don't want a serious boyfriend. i don't even want.... a ... uh.... "casual boyfriend" but.... i'm so pathetic and lonely! aaaaagh. liz may have been closer than she thought with the lesbian idea.... ooooh but it's not so bad. it could be MUCH worse, i can definitely live with this, and if i'm careful, it'll go away entirely and i'll be left with only my current woes. which are many. and i still haven't been able to talk to adam at all. part of me is absolutely terrified that he's mad at me.... and purposefully avoiding and not speaking to me. i am going to bo so unbelievably sad if that's the case. because adam is one of the best human beings i have ever met.
i was only out for about forty five minutes, when gabe and i got bored of sending gay men to hit on JJ's boyfriend (though, that was ALOT of fun.... we were sitting at the end of the table... just watching. goodtimes.).... and left. then, as i was leaving, i saw caleb and jason and dick (who is a friend of my dad's who is in town....). so, i should have just ignored them, and gone home.... but i said hi... and ended up staying.... and then, supposedly got in trouble. but i think my dad didn't really care. i talked to him. he's like "you're hurt. stay home." and said he'd take my keys away, but he really was rather non threatening, and didn't REALLY seem to care. and i'm like ... uh, there's a cut in my foot. yeah, it sucks, but i'm ok.... and i'm going to KILL myself if i spend another day at home with only my mom and sister.... i can't be alone like this. seriously, i'm about to cry just thinking about it and putting it into words. i am so lonely and... just... i feel worthless sitting at home.... writing, and drawing and reading.... i love doing all of those things, but i cannot do them by myself twenty four hours a day.... i feel like.... out of everyone i know... erin is the only friend who has made any sort of effort to actually keep me company. oh my god, i cannot start crying about being lonely, i know that if i start crying over ANYTHING i am going to be a horrible wreck. and i don't need that. i haven't cried at ALL in the past like... two months. normally, i cry quite a bit. a little over emotional. but most of you are well aware of that. (ok, i did cry when i cut my foot. but that was hysterical oh-my-god-there's-a-huge-hole-in-my-foot kind of crying. not oh-my-god-i-hate-it-here-and-can't-admit-it-to-myself crying....)
caleb and i bonded tonight. i think he's right about alot of stuff. but, about finding love in a coffee shop, not a bar.... while he's right... if i were looking for love of any kind, i would not be in the gay bar. also, coffee shop people often don't like me. or, they refer to me as "a girl like you"... as if i'm a different species than coffee shop girls... i don't want another guy who looks at me as "oh my god what a catch, i'm so lucky to have found a girl like her " ... maybe i'm bizarre in not wanting to be worshiped... but it creeps me out.
guys.... am i *pause* under-reacting? i mean.... i've maced guys down town, i've HIT guys downtown... i've now had a bottle thrown at me downtown... (actually, i had that happen before, but they missed before...) i have put up with every nasty pick up line, and sleazy guy trying to touch me.... and... it's not a big deal to me. i'm just... like... they're fuckers. and all that is... nothing. do you guys think that maybe i shouldn't hang out downtown? but... this doesn't happen to other girls... it all happens to me... do i have a beacon that says... "i'm unwilling, please come after me then get mad"? i worry about all the girls who hang out at the regular bars. do they have all this times ten? or all they all just easy? because, i can't believe that they're ALL easy... easy girls don't get shit from people... but, i suppose they do get STD's... and it'd really rather have a cut in my foot than say.... syphillis. (which, by the way, there was a special about on PBS tonight. i watched part of it, but it was really gross. but then, the remote wouldn't work, and they were showing a guy who died from it and was all bloody and gross, and i couldn't change the channel... and i was like "aaaaaaaaah!" uh, < / random sidenote >)
but there's a howard dean meet up tomorrow at the mill! and i'm so so super exciiiited! if you're one of the people i sent a random howard dean email too.... please consider at least checking out what he stands for. i am so 100% for this guy.... go read about him... really. do.
the worst part of this whole foot drama... (aside from not walking...) is that my foot is ALWAYS freezing cold now. *shiver*
*sigh* will someone please call me or come visit me tomorrow? i will cry if i have another day like today. one can only play so many sega and super nintendo games on one's computer... (i heart emulators...)
in hindsight, i was insisting on going out because it was heather's birthday.... but i doubt she even remembered me being there... ah, well, in all honesty, i was also going because i knew both derek and gabe would be there, and i wanted to gauge how over each of them i really was (it was an experiment!). i was really surprised by how that panned out. good news is... i'm over derek. which i knew. but... uh, yes. dammit alll. now i have like, four (million)... factors that are making me rather miserable. my foot and financial situation included (can't walk, can't work...). i hate straight men so much... (that's why i only date the gay ones. har har har. oh but it's true ...*sob*) but.... really i do. i don't want a serious boyfriend. i don't even want.... a ... uh.... "casual boyfriend" but.... i'm so pathetic and lonely! aaaaagh. liz may have been closer than she thought with the lesbian idea.... ooooh but it's not so bad. it could be MUCH worse, i can definitely live with this, and if i'm careful, it'll go away entirely and i'll be left with only my current woes. which are many. and i still haven't been able to talk to adam at all. part of me is absolutely terrified that he's mad at me.... and purposefully avoiding and not speaking to me. i am going to bo so unbelievably sad if that's the case. because adam is one of the best human beings i have ever met.
i was only out for about forty five minutes, when gabe and i got bored of sending gay men to hit on JJ's boyfriend (though, that was ALOT of fun.... we were sitting at the end of the table... just watching. goodtimes.).... and left. then, as i was leaving, i saw caleb and jason and dick (who is a friend of my dad's who is in town....). so, i should have just ignored them, and gone home.... but i said hi... and ended up staying.... and then, supposedly got in trouble. but i think my dad didn't really care. i talked to him. he's like "you're hurt. stay home." and said he'd take my keys away, but he really was rather non threatening, and didn't REALLY seem to care. and i'm like ... uh, there's a cut in my foot. yeah, it sucks, but i'm ok.... and i'm going to KILL myself if i spend another day at home with only my mom and sister.... i can't be alone like this. seriously, i'm about to cry just thinking about it and putting it into words. i am so lonely and... just... i feel worthless sitting at home.... writing, and drawing and reading.... i love doing all of those things, but i cannot do them by myself twenty four hours a day.... i feel like.... out of everyone i know... erin is the only friend who has made any sort of effort to actually keep me company. oh my god, i cannot start crying about being lonely, i know that if i start crying over ANYTHING i am going to be a horrible wreck. and i don't need that. i haven't cried at ALL in the past like... two months. normally, i cry quite a bit. a little over emotional. but most of you are well aware of that. (ok, i did cry when i cut my foot. but that was hysterical oh-my-god-there's-a-huge-hole-in-my-foot kind of crying. not oh-my-god-i-hate-it-here-and-can't-admit-it-to-myself crying....)
caleb and i bonded tonight. i think he's right about alot of stuff. but, about finding love in a coffee shop, not a bar.... while he's right... if i were looking for love of any kind, i would not be in the gay bar. also, coffee shop people often don't like me. or, they refer to me as "a girl like you"... as if i'm a different species than coffee shop girls... i don't want another guy who looks at me as "oh my god what a catch, i'm so lucky to have found a girl like her " ... maybe i'm bizarre in not wanting to be worshiped... but it creeps me out.
guys.... am i *pause* under-reacting? i mean.... i've maced guys down town, i've HIT guys downtown... i've now had a bottle thrown at me downtown... (actually, i had that happen before, but they missed before...) i have put up with every nasty pick up line, and sleazy guy trying to touch me.... and... it's not a big deal to me. i'm just... like... they're fuckers. and all that is... nothing. do you guys think that maybe i shouldn't hang out downtown? but... this doesn't happen to other girls... it all happens to me... do i have a beacon that says... "i'm unwilling, please come after me then get mad"? i worry about all the girls who hang out at the regular bars. do they have all this times ten? or all they all just easy? because, i can't believe that they're ALL easy... easy girls don't get shit from people... but, i suppose they do get STD's... and it'd really rather have a cut in my foot than say.... syphillis. (which, by the way, there was a special about on PBS tonight. i watched part of it, but it was really gross. but then, the remote wouldn't work, and they were showing a guy who died from it and was all bloody and gross, and i couldn't change the channel... and i was like "aaaaaaaaah!" uh, < / random sidenote >)
but there's a howard dean meet up tomorrow at the mill! and i'm so so super exciiiited! if you're one of the people i sent a random howard dean email too.... please consider at least checking out what he stands for. i am so 100% for this guy.... go read about him... really. do.
the worst part of this whole foot drama... (aside from not walking...) is that my foot is ALWAYS freezing cold now. *shiver*
*sigh* will someone please call me or come visit me tomorrow? i will cry if i have another day like today. one can only play so many sega and super nintendo games on one's computer... (i heart emulators...)
posted by megan at 2:36 AM
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