beef and broccoli.... but without the beef. can you do that?

mmmm. broccoli. and rice. yum


i'm listening to catty toad (teeehehehe.) i mean, katie todd. everyone should go vote for her on soul city cafe. katie todd band. go vote. it's almost over, and she really should win. i LOVE her to death. go go go!


no one ever emails me anymore. except for the blogger user support list that i joined when my blog was going crazy.... and now it won't let me unsub. seriously, i've done it by email, i've done it through yahoo... and like, twice each. and i KEEP getting emails.


oh my god, i need a job so much. *sigh*

you know, i thought no one loved me, and THAT'S why i haven't had any comments lately (i was actually pretty upset about it. i'd only had TWO comments. for like, two weeks. and tehy were in response to my drunk post, and i only found them as i was deleting stuff.) but, it turns out that my comments code and the new version of blogger just weren't getting a long. so it's ok now. so, EVERYONE who is reading this should leave me a comment to celebrate the comments working again. everyone. *glares*

oon a side note...

i'm in love with gabe.


everyone i know would kill me if they found out. but... truth be told... he's who i think about, here, now.... i feel horrible for still having feelings, i mean... i'm supposed to love derek. i do. oh my god, i do. but, when i see gabe... my heart stops, my stomach drops, and he's all i can see.


am i with the wrong person?


what the hell do i do?

curtichu the cat can't dance.

from renata's blog:

"i'm tired. i already said that. i've been playing much sims the last few days. because, i heart unleashed. megan, you and i adopted a siamese cat. named curtichu. and he has 0 intelligence points. doh. but he's very friendly and loyal ^_^ we're trying to teach him how to dance. but it's hard, because, well, he's not very smart."


this made me laugh really hard. aaah i love renata. i long for the days of curtis cregan themed pokemon.... *sigh* curtisprout... geocurti, curtisaur.... just to name a few. curtichu was great too though. "geocurtis! i choose you!" endless hours of fun. almost as much fun as the rent themed animal crackers. ("OH MY GOD, WE BROKE ROGER!!!" "where's gordon.... oh my god, megan... did you eat gordon?!" i didn't. for the record.)


i just reread that.... renata, why are we teaching our siamese cat how to dance? and how can he have ZERO intelligence points.... is he really THAT stupid? *sigh* i bet he is. *my* cat has zero intelligence points. he's sleeping on top of a bunch of my shoes right now. those of you who know me know that i do not leave the house without heels or some sort of platform... so i imagine he really can't be too comfortable.


i've decided that i'm going to email DJ tomorrow. to tell him how awesome he was as mark (derek didn't like him, but derek is bitter. so we won't discuss that.) (as in DJ gregory... not DJ the door guy from studio. DJ from studio isn't a very good mark. well. i don't KNOW that. but i don't think he'd be very good. i could see this being confusing. i'm already confused enough what with VJ.... and MK. initials throw me off.) ANYwho, i had his email, and lost it, then found it, and i didn't get to go to milwaukee.... so i'm e-mailing him.


la la la. did i mention that i dyed my hair red? because, i did. i don't like it, but everyone else loves it. thad told me today that he was so glad i went back to my natural color, because blonde just wasn't working. *pause* "my natural color is BLONDE you dummy.... THIS is fake!" "oh. welll... it looks nice. *runs away*"


aaaanywho, yay renata for cheering me up!

why doesn't anyone TELL me these things?!

oh my GOD.


scott hunt has been playing marius in the 3nt of les miz since like..... february. and NO one told me!!!


the tour's not gonna come through here til january. if he leaves before i get to see him, i will KILL him.


renata. we have to go see him. des moines, (yes, the place with the evil ushers) january 6-11. i think we'll both be on winter break then. we HAVE to go.

my desk is glowing....

there's a big sticky glowstick stain on my desk. (last night, i kept noticing that i was glowing..... but i couldn't figure out WHY! yeeeah, my bracelets broke. and i got pink sticky glowing stuff on me, my desk, my clothes... prolly on Ivy and her friend who looked like del....) i should really clean my desk off. what with the glowstick goo, and the nail polish... and such. one of my buddha statues is about to be overcome by a nail polish spill. *moves buddha to higher ground*


i'm listening to cabaret. i want to be fraulein kost or fraulein schneider (yeah, i know she's like.... supposed to be fifty. i don't care. i could TOTALLY play fifty. really... (says me... who still gets asked what grade i'm going to be in. "i'll be a sophomore actually" "oooh! what highschool do you go to?" "uh, i'm in college....)) i don't think i'd want to play sally ever (maybe because i've only seen bad sallys.... that could be... or, i just don't like sally.) anywho, been there done that with helga.... much fun, would like to be fraulein kost because it's such a bitch role. i'm always so sweet an innocent. wait, i take that back.... i'm CAST sweet and innocent. i'm actually kind of (understatement) bitchy and not terribly innocent.


i can't get my titles to show up. and there's a help topic for it.... but no information in that topic. grrr. blogger you make me grouchy! i bet i just need to add a blog tag so that the titles know where to go, and what color to be and stuff like that. but since the help index doesn't tell me what that blogtag is... things are just going to be titleless. then, someday when i fix it.... everything will have titles, and you can see how witty i've been being with the titles.

drunkeness is a bad idea.

the edited version is re-edited, leaving only a few points of the evening....


--ran into mike langley, dan's brother. we talked, and came up with a business idea.... and we're going to make millions of dollars. and we hate iowa. and this girl he was with was like "you are a brilliant actress" and i was like "whaaaat?" but apparently she's seen me in ALOT of things.... and she was like "i don't understand why you don't act anymore! you are so beautiful, and so easy to connect to." and i told her i didn't act because no one would cast me. (it's so true.) if someone would cast me in something.... i'd act. i just can't sing. that's why i dont' get cast. boooo musicals.
--i bunch of people told me they liked my shirt. i cant imagine why... it was kind of scrubby looking, and covered in glowstick juice.
--OH MY GOD.... i ran into one of my mom's friends! julie!!! and i was smoking. and she was like "does your mom know you smoke?!" and i was like "i don't smoke! *puts out cigarette*" (really, i don't. just to make myself not feel like killing someone (me).... and to piss derek off. he hates smoking, so i do it to spite him. *smokes in his general direction* ha!) aaaanywho, we both promised not to tell my mom that we saw eachother.
--huuuuuuuuuuuuuge nervous breakdown in the alley. surrounded by about twenty (no exaggeration) gay boys going "oh my god, honey, you are SO too good for him." and kissing me and asking if i wanted them to beat him up. (riiiight, i'm goign to send all my little gay boys and drag queens to beat up derek, the national champion gymnast. that's a great plan.)
--i ran away from my ride ... twice. i guess i really wanted to be stranded downtown. *shrug* i never said i was intelligent when drunk....
--after ivy found me (i didn't do a very good job running away the first time) we ran into "scary boots the coke dealer". and he tried to get me to stop crying, and got us a cab so that ivy could take me home. (he is a very generous criminal. he's always buying things for me. despite the fact i'm like "you're so scary, go away") this is when i ran away the second time.
--went to the ped mall, to hide from ivy (who was looking for me to try to take me home) and to be alone. ran into derek, who yelled at me and put me in a cab. i tried to run away again (i was apparently very determined to be stranded) but there was a tree in my way, and in my drunkeness, i was unable to overcome this obstacle.
--so, the cab took me home, many thanks to derek. i am still hating you though.
--got home, wrote several drunk emails (guys, if i'm drunk, take away my phone, and don't let me near a computer. drunk blogs and calls and emails are BAD.
--wrote two VERY angry drunk blogs. which i deleted. thank you to those who commented to say i'm hilarious when drunk. i appreciate it, but they had to go.
--went to sleep, had the SAME terrible nightmare about collapsing things and ambulances and not being able to get answers....


the end.

this post has a TITLE!

look! look! there's an optional title field for the new blogger!! i can title my poooosts! yaaaay!


i didn't sleep last night, and i feel like some of this excitement may be due to that.


i was wearing platform flipflops today (i still am actually) and my foot fell asleep while i was out to lunch with my dad... and i found that i revived heather's ozzy osbourne walk from the other night at steak and shake ("shaarooon"). i was quite amused. again, with the not having slept....


but my room's clean! that's for sure! and i'll sleep tonight! that's for sure too!


everyone leaves for chicago this afternoon. i'm grouchy. i don't know why though, it's not like any of them talked to me at all this week, why would them being gone this weekend matter?! *has revelation, and is ok with everyone being gone*


i just imed tim about this.... but heather's not on, and i'm lazy... so hey, heather, do you want to go out tonight (aaaoooooooot tonight!) we can wear tight skirts, and flirt with strangers. and be glittery, and dance on bars, and try to seduce brooding punk rockers... or... if you just wanna go to studio... we could do that too.


renata just pointed out that my archives are on crack. i'm going to go try to fix that (it's rehab time for the archive links...)


this is such a fractured post.... i really think it's due to the lack of sleep. do you know what song is stuck in my head right now? once in awhile. brad's sappy solo from rocky horror... *sigh* it's driving me absolutely crazy. my room's really clean.... but not clean enough! (there are still two enormolous (yes, i know that say enormolous) boxes of books to be bookshelferized. ) i'm talking to renata right now, and singing "not me" from aida. (she asked who needed numbers. and i said "not me." which got that song into my head (goooooodbye sulky brad!) and now i'm being angstyadampascalradames)


right, the books. i'm so tired.... yet so so hyper.

have you ever noticed.... if a girl sleeps with guys and girls, she's bi... but if i a GUY sleeps with guys and girls.... he's considered gay... but like... not accepting it, clinging to the idea of sleeping with women? i don't know ANY bi guys who are accepted as being bi. and that's kind of sad.


ok. this is now about a half hour after i typed that last thought.... i got really distracted and went downstairs to get a pop tart. ("you see this burn right here? i was making pop tarts in the oven, yeah, i burned myself. i guess that's why they call them pop-tarts, not reach-in-and-get-em tarts.") laaa. today, i started a webring! compulsive bloggers.... (as in.... compulsive bowlers... as in.... vampire welfare queens.... as in rent ^_^) i'm so proud. the name was renata's idea. it's a great story, ask del.


speaking of renata, i get to go see her tomorrow! i should call nick (from h2$, he lives in bloomington too!!!) i'm so excited to see renata, i can't even tell you. i'm not even sure when the last time i saw her was.... *ponders* i really don't know. weird. i've seen you since rocky.... haven't i?!?? oh duh. rent in bloomington. i'm really smart...


speaking of rent in bloomington, i lost DJ's e-mail.... but then, i found it today! yaaaaaaay! i wish i'd gone to milwaukee. *sob* i miss him muchly. he was my favorite non-equity cast member, period, end of story. *sigh* such a good mark.


yay yay yay going to see renata tomorrow!


ok, gonna read some more harry patter OotP

last cigarette: like, three or four weeks ago. i've been so good.
last car ride: earlier today. i actually drove though. so it wasn't so much a ride....
last kiss: um. well. from a straight man.... two weeks ago. maybe a little more (this does not count phil's attempted kisses when he tried to get on me the other night...) from a gay man... two nights ago (goddamn matt. gave me a hickey. why does he always do that?!) from a gay girl.... two nights ago.
last good cry: today!
last library book: i broke my library card like... a year ago... and when i went to get it back, it had thirty dollars in fines on it. doh.
last movie seen: bruce almighty.... didn't really like it...
last book read: harry potter.
last cuss word uttered: fuck
last beverage drank: diet coke
last food consumed: toast. (oh my GOD! kyle and i both consumed toast last. we really ARE toast twins.)
last crush: i guess i have one now?
last phone call: work. boooo work, i haaate you.
last TV show watched: friends (duh)
last time showered: this morning.
last shoes worn: black flip flops. (me too kyle! me too! were yours platforms?)
last cd played: different light, the bangles (walk like an egyptian!) the eighties are my god.
last item bought: a diet coke
last annoyance: the dog
last disappointment: work stuff
last soda drank: diet coke (diet coke seems to be my answer to everything.)
last thing written: some notes on the code for my site... because i have zero short term memory.... i have a notebook full of little notes like that.
last key used: house key
last word spoken: i'm not sure.... i *think* it was "fuck" and i was talkign to the cat.
last sleep: slept from 8 this morning til noon. (no other sleep last night...)
last im: heather
last sexual fantasy: *shrug?*
last weird encounter: phil trying to get on my the other night. EW.
last ice cream eaten: saturday at pride.
last time amused: reading renata's blog
last time wanting to die: briefly this afternoon. but i'm ok. it was very short lived.
last time in love: bah! love doesn't exist, and don't try to argue, i'll kick you in the teeth. prove it to me, and then i'll calm down.
last time hugged: saturday night. i need a hug. (i typed "i need hugh. instead of i need a hug. oh huuuugh, where are you?)
last time scolded: my dad telling me not to speed.
last chair sat in: the broken swivel chair at my desk. i'm sitting there now. it's very uncomfortable, due to being broken. it's loud and squeaky too. i HATE this fucking chair.
last lipstick used: swf, sparkly pink, this morning (isn't that so cute??? swf, single white female... so clever.)
last shirt worn: black stretchy shirt.... wearing it now.
last time dancing: today while cleaning. (me too!! kyle, i love that we dance while we clean.)
last poster looked at: rent, since it's right here. though, the enormous trainspotting poster is visable in the mirror....
last show attended: hm... i'll say rent. i odn't want to actually think about it, but i bet it was. well, saw the romeo and juliet ballet with derek. does that count?
last webpage visited: kyle's website! where i blatantly stole this survey!

you know you're a child of the eighties if....
~ you played with "my little ponies". rachel and i played 'my little ponies' every day after school. oh, gooood times.
~ you had a crush on one of the new kids on the block members. oooh joey, why haven't you come for me? i even bought your come back cd when it came out!
~ you remember the new kids on the block. they remain near and dear to my heart.
~ you wore one of those t-shirt rings or a scrunchi on one side of your shirt during your youth. i had a t-shirt ring that was lime green with rhinestones... so cool.
~ you were styling with your french rolled pants. i remember learning how to french roll my pants... boy, it was hard.
~ you wore multiple pairs of socks in the middle of the summer just so you could be "hip" could not leave the house without three pairs of slouch socks over my stretch pants.
~ two words: leg warmers *hangs head* oh how i loved leg warmers.
~ you had puff painted your own shirt at least once. hell, i still do this...
~ you owned a doll with 'xavier roberts' signed on it's butt. TONS of them. georgetta darcy was my favorite.
~ the cosby show, alf, or out of this world was prime time television? i watched a special on the cosby show the other day. oh good times.
~ you remember when tgif first got started? i used to live for TGIF
~ you were upset when she-ra, princess of power, and he-man cancelled. we used to play he-man and she-ra at day care.
~ you can remember watching full house and saved by the bell for endless hours, back when they were new episodes. i don't care what anyone says... those shows were the BEST.
~ you have seen at least 10 episodes of fraggle rock. i still have at least that many on tape.
~ you remember madonna in her cone stage.
~ you knew "the artist" when he was humbly called "prince."
~ you ever wore flourescent-neon clothing...
~ you remember m.c. hammer.
~ you can still sing the rap to "fresh prince of bel air".
~ you own any cassettes.
~ you owned a pair of l.a. gear, keds, or converse tennis shoes.
~ you have ever pondered why smurfette was the only female smurf. (and how come baby smurf never grew up...) the mysteries of the smurfs....
~ my little pony, gummy bears, transformers, you can't do that on television, noozles, kids incorperated, captian kangroo, double dare, and hey dude are familiar to you. all of those make me misty eyed... awww. i looooved all those.
~ you actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the "care bear stare" we'd practice at daycare...
~ you had wonder woman or superman underoos. i had wonder woman pajamas... they were the best thing ever. they had a velcro cape... i wish i still had them, they were SO great.
~ you thought that transformers were more than meets the eye.
~ you spent hours in the basement building and re-building lego cities. oh my god.... rachel and tyler and i had the most elaborate lego city built in their basement... nothing will ever surpass that thing.... it took up an entire room, AND part of the hallway.
~ do polly pockets or popples ring a bell? there is totally a popple on my desk RIGHT NOW.
~ big wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go.
~ "party like it's 1999" seemed so far away!!
~ can we say trapper keeper? they were banned at our school... but i still had one.
~ if you still have a crimper in your bathroom drawer and still use it. i'm gonna use it tomorrow actually.
~ you loved your pink jeans, black stretch pants big loop earings
~ you had at least one hypercolor shirt
~ if you remember when rollerblades were the new thing
~ you used to wear bright pink slip-ons and jelly shoes
~ you were scared of the gremlins i still am! hot topic sells gremlins stuff... and i'm STILL scared of them.
~ inspector gadget was part of your daily ritual. i LOVE inspector gadget!!
~ the wonder years was a part of your daily lifestyle
~ you had hotwheel races down your street during the block party
~ pee wee's play house?
~ fanny packs?
~ did you keep your hot pink lipstick in a caboodle?
~ you could not get enough hair spray on those bangs?
~ how many trolls did you have? i had 17, rachel had 29
~ does "heros in a half shell" mean anything to you?
~ everything was rad, totally awesome, and tubular!!!
~ you remember when the original nintendo was the best $100 you could spend?
~ you owned a ghost busters action figure, a gi-joe, a hollywood hair barbie? oh how i loved hollywood hair barbie.... with the gel... oh. good times.
~ you loved to play with your glow-in-the-dark plastic jewelry?
~ you envied rainbow bright's fashion sense
~ you remember zoobily zoo? wuzzat kangaroo was my favorite
~ you remember when cracker jacks actually had cool prizes.
~ hula hoops
~ it wasn't chuckie cheese's.....it was showbiz pizza
~ can we say: pound puppies

so.... some of the archives don't work so much. and nothing's opening in the iframe. don't worry. i'll fix it.

blogger... publish.... please.... i'll be your friend....

last night was much fun.


i bitched out sunday after she called me trampy. and then, today, she demanded an apology, despite the fact she doesn't even remember it. my stance on this is... she told me what she thought of me, and in response, i told her what i thought of her. pretty simple. and, no, i'm not apologizing, don't anyone come telling me to not let it bother me, and i should just apologize. especially not when she was like "well, what i said is true, you are trampy and slutty." i would just like to say that.... i have never given anyone head in the bathroom at studio, nor have i had sex with people in the parking ramp. until i'm nasty enough to go down on someone in the bathroom (at studio of all places, ew.) ... until then.... she needs to shut the fuck up. am i right? i mean c'mon.... everyone is siding with her, pleeease someone tell me what they think of this whole thing... i mean really.


aside from that, last night really was lots and lots of fun. went to an afterhours with liz, one of the bar tenders from studio.... somehow managed to reunite with my group and walk back to thang's... apparently. party at scotts was toooons of fun. good good times at studio as well. had a big discussion with some kids at the afties party.... who were denouncing bisexuality. like... they refuse to believe that it's possible to find both men and women attractive... how is it possible to NOT find both men and women attractive?! *sigh*


any thoughts on the little changes to the site? like? no? anything terribly fucked up as a result.... do let me know.

If I were a month I would be: october. you can still wear short skirts sometimes, but you can also wear cushysoftsnuggly sweaters
If I were a day of the week I would be: friday.
If I were a time of day I would be: midnight. still lots of stuff open, beginning of the evening.
If I were a planet I would be: pluto
If I were a sea animal I would be: i hate fish.... so... a dolphin?
If I were a direction I would be: east
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a futon
If I were a sin I would be: lust. (though, pride and envy are way up there too)
If I were a historical figure I would be: ...?
If I were a liquid I would be: cherry soda
If I were a tree I would be: a maple
If I were a flower/plant I would be: a pink rose
If I were a kind of weather I would be: sunny
If I were a musical instrument I would be: a piccolo
If I were an animal I would be: a cat on a mission
If I were a color I would be: light light pink
If I were a vegetable I would be: a carrot.
If I were a sound I would be: ringing in your ears.
If I were an element I would be: nitrogen... (i only sat that because i think that's what curtis picked... back in the day.
If I were a car I would be: a cooper mini.
If I were a song I would be: something here, joshua kobak

i'm listening to rent. from like.... last july. oh my GOD.... two julys ago. oh wow, that's so long. *sniffle* this is curtis as mark. it's way good. i *think* it's .... karmine mimi? maybe? i know it's jeremy as roger. because time fies. and now that i'm listening to what you own, i can hear him pretending to be elvis. *sniffle* i miss them sooo much....


so, last night was good. went out... at about 11. oh geeze, what about the night before?! eighties night! i had much fun at eighties night. nick (managernick) spent the evening trying to convince me that i would be a good idea to run naked down van buren st.... hung out with the usual suspects.... sparklesmatt, othermatt, jon, kerry, nic, nate.... rachel (i found her in the alley all sad because cover was $5, but i convinced her to come, and we had goooooood times. i love rachel! it's so funny, we introduce eachother as "this is my BEST friend from elementary school.") uuuh, anywho, nick (managernick), adam (for awhile), joshy (kenya) .... hmm. who the hell else? mikey! MK (who, by the way, was not wearing her shirt.... and kept trying to steal mine.), for awhile.... mark... because he was at nick's which is where we ended up. it was good times. except for that damn window. seee, there's a "porch" at nick's that is only accessible through a window. and it's very difficult to crawl in and out of that window. let me tell you. it's VERY difficult. if matt hadn't kept saving me... i would still be stuck in that damn window. yes, so that was thursday.... now, friday..... i didn't go out til laaaate. because i had a bad day. (my car exploded again. really exploded this time. very exciting.) then.... hung out with DMshawn, thang, and EEEVERYone from thursday (minus nick, adam and mark) also hung out a lot with heather and tim. and tom. we had a nice time. a bunch of people from ICCTheatre showed up too. and were like "we saw a bunch of reaaaally cute pictures of you in H2$!! and i was like "awwww" because i forgot to go to the icct party. because i'm a dork. *sob* oh well.


we had much fun. there was much dancing. and i kept getting hit on by naaaasty guys. (which reminds me, rachel saved me from guys like.... four times on thursday. she's like "hi, i'm her girlfriend." and got rid of them, i was like "i LOVE you!") what else.... ooooh, someone broke the alley. theres' a pipe thing... and someone pulled it off the wall. its' a lot harder to climb my wall now. stupid jerks, breaking the alley. i mean, C'MON! (sorrry, i'm really upset about the alley being broken.)


then tim and heather and tom and i went to tim's house, and tim whined about not getting to go to afterhours. we're going tonight. we went to steak and shake, and wreaked much havoc.... (tim hit on ben, the waiter, alot. and heather discussed her masterbation habits very loudly in front on the waiter. she was only even saying anything to make a joke.... but poooor ben came in at the wrong moment.) then we went to walmart. i was so sure we were gonna get kicked out. but we bought puff paint and shirts, and heather and i made "fag hag" and "fruit fly" shirts. with lots of rainbows, and lots of sparkles. i left mine at tim's house though. so i didn't get to wear it. *sniffle* i worked so hard on it though. there were all these cute little rainbow hearts.... oh it was a masterpiece.


oh, and hey...i heard that there's a rumor going around that i do coke. i would like to clarify that i do NOT. i know a lot of people who do, i even know multiple dealers. (scary shit people.... oh my god. i try real hard to not hang out with them...) but i don't. because... i'm stupid, but not THAT stupid.


i'm listening to "walk like an egyptian" it's great.


i think i was supposed to meet scott and.... whatshisname from osceola at the mall.... but.... that was like... two hours ago. i'm sure they're ok.


i'm going to a partay at scott's tonight. then to studio.... then prolly back to scotts. and maybe to allan's. there are like.... FOUR afterhourses tonight. i'm excited. wowowooo.

this is from kait. since i'm not on LJ, it's a little different, but i like the idea. 20 "friends" anonymous.... about five of you got emailed #'s. because i wanted you to know for certain who you were. the rest..... guess.. i should have made it 25, because i feel like i left some people out. maybe i'll just do five more in the morning.


1) you have helped me so much in the past few months, and i feel like no one ever gives you the love and attention you deserve. you're an incredible person, you make me smile, and you keep me from crying. you need to feel better about yourself! because you rock!

2) i've known you since high school, and i hope i know you for a looong time more. you're really great, and HILARIOUS. you crack me up so so much. your sense of humor has helped me out tons of times. you always look super cute in the most unlikely things, and i love hanging out and dancing with you, or just walking and talking.

3) i wish i got to see you more. we started out SO alike.... and we're SO different now, but you still embody so many aspects of my personality that have disappeared, that i LOVE to see you, because you bring them out, and are SO cool. i cannot wait to see you next week.... so that we can be SILLY and have a blast. i never act like myself the way i do with you.

4) you're really awesome. everything about you is attractive. i like how you stand up for what you think is right, even if it isn't conveinent. you are truly a good person, with incredible goals. i have so much respect for what you do with your life, and what you WANT to do with your life. i am so afraid to get close to you, because i know i'll hurt you. and hate myself for it.

5) you are someone who i love spending time with, i wish i were closer to you. i admire you for your talent, and you're general outgoing personality. it takes courage to do what you do,and to be who you are. i cannot think of anyone i would rather party with, AND just chill with.

6) you are someone i cannot forget about. i love you one minute, with every ounce of everything in me, and then.... two hours later, i despise you. (more often, i despise something you're doing, or have done... not you.) i don't know what to do about you. the feelings i have for you are fucking up so many things. but i can't (don't want to) forget you. at the end of the day, when all is said and done, i really loved you, and i'm sorry i didn't tell you. but.... forget regrets eh? i lost you, and i'll miss you.

7) things i hear don't correspond with the things i see. but i don't understand why my trustworthy, close friends would warn me, and tell me they's seen things that weren't true. you make me laugh, you've made me cry.... my stomach drops every time i see you.... both because you are SO attractive, and because of our history. deep down... i kind of hope we end up together sometime.... somewhere... again. but i don't think we ever will.

8) you're really solid. no drama. just you. not many little gay boys are like that. i really like spending time with you, and i hope you like spending time with me. whenever i go out, i always hope youll wanna come too, because you're so much fun.

9) i don't like you. at all. i don't understand why others like you, and put up with your shit. because i refuse to.... i did at first, almost out of pity, but you repayed me with nothing but insults. i REALLY cannot stand you.

10) you need everyone's attention on you, all the time. and that's the least attractive thing about you.you need people to tell you how cute you are, and it makes you ten times less cute when you do it. sometimes though, you're the best.

11) i've sort of known you for like.... two years. i'm so glad we're friends. you're so darn cute, and ethics-wise, it's tough to find someone as good as you are. you are all around a good person. if you were straight, i'd be ALL over you. (and there are only one of two boys that i can say that about,)

12) you're really cool. i wish we hung out more often. i'm looking forward to being more in touch with you, and hanging out more. we have tons of mutual friends..... when did we stop being friends??

13) i used to have the biggest crush on you. i don't anymore.

14) you've been my friend forever, and i hope you stay my friend forever. there are going to be so many things that could be weird with us, but they shouldn't be.

15) you're such a good person. you will be an incredible doctor someday.... and i don't just mean.... a good doctor, i mean the best. someone with your heart and compassion is hard to find. i'm sorry i didn't call you about coffee at the java house today. i just now remembered.

16) you are so incredible. i wish you didn't live in pittsburgh. it's so far away.... i hope i get a chance to see you on your way across the country..... you bring out a side of me that is always hidden. it amazes me how i feel when you're around. it always takes me by total surprise how i feel about you when you're right here.

17) you're such an enigma, you always will be.

18) i love you, and i really miss you. i'm sorry we've grown apart so much..... but i also don't feel like i'm ready to bring us back together.

19) you're the only person on this list i've never met.... i want to meet you so bad.... there have been a few conversations where we reaaaallly clicked and they were hiiiiilarious. i read your LJ every day, *and* i read your fanfic (and i can't stand m/r ..... but when it's yours.... it's ok.) we need to be more in touch. i reeeeally wish we were more in touch. i should make that effort.

20) i really don't know about you. i want to like you, everyone else wants me to like you.... but it's reaaaaally hard. i don't know if it's jealousy or soemthing else (well, really it's a combination of the two....) but..... sometimes i see you and i'm just like "ugh. not her." but.... other times.... i'm like "yaaaay!" it's really weird, and i hope i knock it off, and we can put allllll the recent shit aside and be friends. i don't want to be friends with any of this shit (though not between us...) to be involved.


kind of weird. but i liked doing it. it made me feel better about a lot of things in some ways...

i now have $101 dollars to my name. goooo me. so, $90 of that is going to the phone bill, and $11 is going to gas for my car (i'm gonna run out at like.... 4am some morning.... on the way home from afterhours.... and i won't have my phone.... and i'll be really sad. oh shit. i need to pay the $251 dollars before the next bill is due, or the total amount due will be over due.... and i'll have to pay all of it. *sob*


i meant to go to cd warehouse today and sell some of my cd's.... but i forgot. i'm gonna get rid of my smashing pumpkins set, aeroplane flies high.... being that i've never listened to it.... and i think my dad got it for me like.... in 8th grade...


it's amateur night tonight.... i kinda wanna go, because i have a bunch of friends who are gonna be doing stuff... hmm... i just lost my soda.... ok. so i went downstairs to look for it, and my mom was like "you drank it." and i got to thinking, and she's right. dang.


i need to call adam, because i haven't been able to with the phone situation. aaaadam, if you're reading this (i know he has the site addy....) i'm so *so* sorry i didn't call you... aaand, i'd say call me at home, but you don't have that number.... and my mom goes to sleep at 8, because she gets up at 4am..... so.... it's sort of useless. sad.


i'm gonna go take a shower, so that if i do wanna go out, i look nice. i suppose i could just do my hair, since i took a shower earlier.... but that's really kind of difficult..... since i didn't blow dry it the first time.... hm.... i also need to figure out my telephone.... because i dont' have a phone in my room at all, and i dont' like going to the kitchen every time i need to call someone.


i don't want to go out tonight, but i do. it's weird. i really want to go to a movie. but i don't have any money. saaaaaad. *cries*

wheeere oh wheeere has my bloooo-og gone? where or where can it be? i'm typing this offline in notebook, be blogger doesn't want to let me access my blog. stupid jerkface blogger! i'll cut you!


still haven't slept.... yeeeah, i'm really getting the distinct feeling that not sleeping is REAAAAALLY bad for my body. but, i'm eating, which is good. i cooked!! ("you can cook?!" "of course i can cook!!" "offering people gum is NOT cooking." tell me where that quote's from.... c'mon, you know you wanna.) aaanywho, i made rice. with spices. mmmmm. and some tofuey goodness. its' really good. i'm enjoying it very very much. and i made alot, so i'll have some left over aaaaaall week. yay!


i did SO much laundry today. holy god. and there's still TONS left to do. oy vey. how wrong is it that i have 75 shirts? and that's not even counting my like.... dress up/nice shirts. and lets see how many pairs of pants... 14 pairs of blue jeans. 5 pairs of courderoys, 5 "other, but not pajama" and 12 pajama/yoga/exercise pants. and then .... three pairs of shorts, and about 7 skirts. i litterally do laundry about once every two months. i'm out of control. i even sold a bunch of stuff at "stuff etc" earlier this month. lots of gap stuff that i don't wear anymore. lots of ugly abercrombie.... and like five j. crew sweaters that have NEVER fit me. i have so much random crap. about 40% of the clothing is goodwill though. i am a goodwill fiend. i shop there religiously. i have left with 2 pairs of size 2long (my size EXACTLY) abercrombie jeans, two banana republic jackets, a bebe shirt, and a bebe purse. in one trip. and don't even get me started on the shoes.... i have gotten some of the BEST shoes there. nine west, steve madden, TONS of great heels. ok. i got disctracted by the goodwill rant. goodwill gets me excited like that. especially because things cost like.... a quarter. which is so in my price range.


this rice is SO good. i should be a chef.


tim (grady) asked if i was "ok" today. like, with the derek drama, with life in general. and for the first time in like... a month and a half. i could honestly be like "i am GREAT." because i don't fucking care about it anymore. i don't know what flipped things over..... but something did. i'm soooo happy and calm and just great. sunday night was like.... the epitome of greatness. even with pooooor sick kerry. that poor boy. i should have stopped by abercrombie to see him today.... but i forgot. doh. aaaanywho, even with him all ill, and some people causing drama being all "just leave him be, he can take care of himself!" and be being all "i'm sorry, but i'm not leaving someone who is THAT sick lying on his back, by himself, passed out. i don't care if i have to fucking walk home in the morning because you won't give me a ride, i am staying here." (and yay yay yay for jon coming back and saving me.) despite all that, i was in a good place. i knew i was doing the right thing, and in all the time up to the drama, i was so fine.


a little teeny bit of me is shouting "you're manic-depressive!! you've been depressed for a month, now you're on an upswing! it won't last! it won't last! you're going to crash and burn a million times worse than before!" but..... we're going to ignore that. because i feel great, and i am determined to stay feeling great. it will take an actual act of stupidity from certain persons to do anything to hurt bubble of happy, "love my life", "love my friends" feelings. (by the way.... LOVE my friends. there is nothing better than doing the can can in the alley all the way to gabe's (the bar, not ritter's).... dancing with all my beautiful little gay boys, the twinkies, the full out fags, the queens.... the closet cases..... i love these people. the drama and the backstabbing aside of course. there are a handful of people i've met who are the most beautiful people i've encountered in a long time. very genuine.... and i love them for that. *happy sigh*) ok. that's enough out of me. shhhhh megan, shh. go to sleep. *finishes rice and tofu and goes to bed*


one last thing..... miss ayanna love has a a shoe fetish. i have never seen anyone steal shoes like this boy. it CRACKS me up.

so, i got up at like.... 8 am yesterday after sleeping approx. 4 hours. i haven't slept since then. no real reason. didn't do anything but hang out at home last night.... but when i lay down, i cough so hard that i can't breathe, so there wasn't much sleeping going on. sucked a lot.


so, i've been awake for.... *counts* 32 hours straight? yikes. i'll be that's not really good for me.....


oh well.... nothing to be done, i guess. i'm off to work.


hey kids, if you try to call and it says that i'm disconnected, it's due to my massive phone bill (i also have a ticket and another random payment ($150) to make asap. making a grand total of like.... $400 needed by the end of the month. i *think* i can do it. we'll see.) the phone should hopefully be back on by monday? tuesday maybe? like, a week from today at the latest. i'm so surprised they haven't shut it off yet. if you want to make a donation, go to verizon and tell them you want to make a payment on my phone number. i literally have about..... $15 to my name right now. so that's another $235 left to go. $90 on friday will make it $145 left..... hopefully hopefully have $50 coming from my dad... which leaves another $90. which i might have next week. *SIGH* and i will be living on change for the next... oh, decade. goooood times.


i need to go find a shirt to wear.... because i've been wearing short shorts and a sports bra all day. now i'm wearing jeans and a sports bra.... and i should PROLLY wear a shirt to work. just a thought. (but really, what are they gonna do, fire me on my last day? yeeeeah.) i really really want to sleep. i could go to sleep for an hour if i do it now.... but i'm worried it'll make it worse.... wait though..... people who remember the rent rushes of yesteryear.... prolly also recall that i have stayed up for 48 hours, with only one two hour nap. a mini nap may be exactly what i need. i always dream a lot during them.... and that's good for you.... so i'm gonna do that. ok. bye kids.

last night was a wonderful evening. all in all.


went to studio, didn't drink a thing, had a great time. (had hella drama before i got to studio. went for a drive, decided to fuck it. went to studio and enjoyed myself.) after close we went to chris's, then to eric's. then *i* went to kerry's. pooooor kerry. he was so sick. i hauled his ass up THREE flights of stairs. hoooly god. hung out there for an hour to make sure he was ok (he wasn't) then jon got there, and we waited for another half hour... then he was MUCH more ok, and it was good. and jon and i had a heart to heart about how it is a friend's responsibility to care for drunken friends in their time of need.


but, ken played you spin me right round for me, and i MISSED it. oh, i was so sad. you wouldn't believe. *sob* i don't know how i missed it, i was only gone for like.... a minute! *sigh*


i had a lot more to blog about, and if i'd been awake enough to do it last nigh, it would have been a wonderfully entertaining account of my evening. but i'm home now.... after am work in CR, evening work here.... and i don't think i've had anything to eat today. so. maybe i'll go eat. and come back and blog in a more amusing fashion. we'll see.

re-blonded my hair. it's nice. dude, my favorite drag queen right now is jordan sacks. because she calls me marilyn. and always tells me i'm pretty. i'm such a whore for compliments. ~_~


SCOTT!!! you neeeed to email me because i lost your phone number. and i'm gonna bring jenny evans along. she's my guest. ^_^


there are ants all over the place. they scare me.


just blogged in "the other blog" maybe i'll blog more here once my rooms clean. i NEED my room to be clean so that i can get money, and pay my phone bill. because you don't even want to know how much i owe. *coughtwohundredfiftydollarscough* and that's not even the whole amount. that's just the past due, pay-this-or-we'll-turn-your-phone-off-amount. FUCK i have a ticket to pay too. shitshitshit i'm so fucked. i hate money things. (this is all just the beginning of my woes. there's lots more financial woes. some school woes. (i can't even think about those...) lots of derek woes. a few oh-my-god-i-gained-ten-pounds woes. (it's derek's fault. heeee made me promise not to throw up. gr.) some laundry woes. because i really neeed to do laundry.... some.... general me woes. yeah, life is peeeeachy.)


oh hey, w-w-w-whitney, your boy kevin was all up on me tonight. it cracks me up when gay boys grab my boobs. and then chuck spilled beer on everyone. boooo chuck. (chuck is jackson doran's roommate. *rawr* jackson. he's a hottie.) aaaand, jon and i daaaaanced and rejoiced for the upcoming eighties night. and i was sad about davina being gone. and that was my night. oh, tim and i had a heart to heart. and we went on a lot of walks. i love tim, btw.


"people kept asking if i was gay, and i kept saying i wasnt.... then i go to thinking about it... and i was like "oh. i am. well then.""


the token quote for the evening.

hey! why didn't you publish! you jerk!


i may interest some of you to know that i'm not wearing a shirt. woo woo. oh baby, oh baby. i'm in the middle of changing, and when i noticed that blogger hadn't published, i was like "hey!" but now i'm gonna finish getting dressed.


ok, dressed. i.... don't know if i'm gonna be able to make it to normal for renata's birthday *hides* if i don't, this will be the first birthday of hers that i've missed since i've known her. *sob* maybe i'll like..... drive down on the 20th, hang out, and drive back to iowa city at like... 8:30 on the 21st. because THAT would be fun. oh yes. *sigh sigh sigh* i also may have to miss being proud of the gays during the day (i'll come be proud of the drag queens that night though, i promise.) oh hey, oh HEY! did i mentions there's an eighties night next week at studio? i am SO excited, you wouldn't believe. i'm gonna crimp my hair all big, and wear lots of blush and eye makeup..... and leg warmers. and pink fishnets. yeeeah. i'm gonna be HOTT. (yes, with two t's. bite me.)


i hope diana calls me back, i wanna hang out with her.


ok, i wasnt' actually gonna blog, i was just gonna republish.


oh hey, i'm filming in cedar rapids saturday night, i'm oh so excited.


ok, i have to go buy a digital camera. bye.

dude, the fall tour of hi-5 is fo sho. i'm totally gonna do anything it takes to go see curtis doing hi-5 live. awww.


highlights of last night....
..jon stealing chad's shoe in the alley. and then wearing it. "what? i dont' know where it is? see? all i have is this flip flop. and that's mine. yours must be gone." all this followed by jon running down the alley with chad hopping after him. good times.
..a narrowly avoided big ass fight outside pancheros. (adam was ready to kill some people.)
..the "show" ... i.e. mr. gay illinois....and kenya. it was ghett-o.
..thang and i SPRINTING back to the bar (from a block away) the second we heard the opening notes of "you spin me right round"
..mucho eighties music!!! aaah!
..hanging out on the VIP wall with trey and jon.
..there may have been a phone call to derek. i'm not 100% sure. i know there was a normal call earlier in the evening.
..saw naif! at pancheros!!!


and i think that's about all.


frowl appears to be down. yooou suck frowl. i wonder if swoonthunk.com is down too.... that'd mean eeeeverything's down.... *checks other sites*


oh hey, oh HEY!! i got a job at hot topic!!! part time assistant manager at lindale. ooooh girl. i am so excited.


and, i got a new shirt.... it says... "dorks are hot." it's super cute. i also got FIVE new bras. and some pink fishnets. (the pink fishnets are for eighties night next week....) victoria's secret bra sale rocks.


i'm really tired. i got up at 9 today.... and didn't take ANY naps. allison and i had chinese for lunch. it was gooood. and i hung out with abi, and i got to see miss hamm.... and paulina and misss hammmmmm and i are having coffee on friday. before hammer goes back to ny. forever. *sob sob sob* i'm way sad.


ok, so it's bed time. four hours of sleep last night.... not so fun.

i accidentally changed all my font preferences to "extremely large" or something. it's really annoying. but i haven't actuallly gone looking to try and fix it yet.


dude, ryan just imed me. as in.... "in vancouver, where i'm from" ryan. my canadian! i heart my canadian. maaaan. it's been a long time since i've seen him/talked to him. i was thinking about him today though. because we were making our chicago pride plans. and i was like "san fran pride was the best." and i was all thinking of rent, and ryan. and curtis. aaaaaw. *looks at hi-5 pictures of curtis* awww he's so cute.


i don't really have anything to blog about. derek's gone, at lake owen.... gymnastics camp? or something? in wisconsin.... and emily's little sister goes there.... and knows derek.... and that's besides the point. ANYwho, derek's gone. and you'd think that since this is the first time he's really been gone... i'd be all not thinking about him, since this is literally the first time that i haven't seen him... like every day.... since he was at nationals. but i miss him. *sniffle*


i have the cuuuuutest outfit on. but it's like three in the morning, so no one but me gets to enjoy it. i really need to stop being this awake at three in the morning. i need to go back to a decent sleep schedule. today.... oh dear lord. i slept from like....4am til 7:30. got up. went back to sleep.... 8:40-9:20. got up. stayed up til 12:00. went to sleep at noon.... and here's the worst part..... slept until 8:30 tonight. i totally didn't mean to. it was going to be like.... a two hour nap. when i woke up i was like "what the hell?!" *sigh*


i cleaned my car today. now it's all clean, and shiny (overly shiny. armor all is out of control.)


now, to clean my room. but first... i think i'm gonna go to bed. because i wanna get up before noon tomorrow, so that i can clean and do stuff before i work at 4. yeah yeah.


ok, sorry this was such a boring blog entry!

dude. hi-5 (the SUPER cute kids show that curtis is on) might be doing a fall tour. with cds and dvds. ooooh girl. i'm so there. this site has a bunch of pictures and such too. way cute.


that's all.

so, renata's diagnoses on the bruises.... is leukemia. greeeeeat. ^_~ ah well, i'm sure it's really due to clumsiness. or whatever blood thing it was last time i was getting strange bruises. *shrug* we'll see. duuuude, renata. i really want to come see you for your birthday, but it's gay pride weekend here in iowa city..... so... maybe i'll come see you..... and then leave on saturday at like.....6:00.... so i can be back here to be proud. you can come back and be proud with me if you want.


i have had a lot of amusing and blog worthy things occur in the past week... that i haven't blogged about. and i'm way sorry. i hereby vow to return to blogging. and not go for long periods of time feeling sorry for myself.... when it's really not so bad... well, it was for awhile.... but it never stays that way. i'm just glad i didn't have another flame war pop up while i was all sad. i HATE that. when people start leaving comments about how much they hate me... and i'm like "if you don't like me.... why the hell do you read this?!" aaah. *shakes fist*


speaking of people who hate me.... i saw josie at studio the other night. i think derek talked to her too.. i was like "oooooh dear god." that could have been bad. someone, who shall remain nameless, said i should get her mad. see if she'd go psycho and hit me. then abi and i would have something in common to discuss. ^_~ and damn straight, i'd press charges too.


what else? there's lots of new stuff.... to blog about...


heather lawler's back in town for the summer. i've seen her like.... every day since she got back. it's crazy. even not at studio, we just seem to be in the exact same places. i swear to god... it's eerie how similar we can be.


i think i'm gonna live with patrick next year...? maybe? it's all crazy. we'll have to see.


i need to redo the who's who. with sections. *sigh* i ALWAYS need to redo the who's who. it's never ending.


alright.... to do....


..redo the who's who.
..update the quotes section
..figure out when i'm gonna go visit renata/if she wants to come visit me.
..figure out the new rent tour situation.... it's gonna be in CR... (not the non eq. tour though. *sniffle* i'm gonna miss DJ muchly.)
..clean my room (my dad got margaret cho tickets... but i can't have them until my room's clean)
..haul the futon up to my room.
..pay my phone bill!!! oh my GOD. guys. if my phone goes off in the next couple days... this is why.
..remind jenny to call the CR hot topic with my refferences.


ok, that's the brief version. i'm not going to go take a shower. and then maybe clean a little bit.

la. it's been awhile, eh guys?


sorry.


haven't been in a blogging state of mind. also haven't been at home in like.... three nights. maybe four. sheesh.


something's wrong with me though, i have HELLA bruises everywhere. i know that four of them are from dominga beating on me a few nights ago.... and one is from crashing into a table at work. but the rest are very mysterious. (and they aren't drunk bruises, shut the fuck up.)


i'm supposed to be cleaning, so i gotta go.