ugh.

even more things suck now.


jon's SO mad at me, and is giving me the silent treatment, and i have no idea why... and it's really annoying. i guess he told adam i was talking shit about him on monday, but he won't talk about it at "the bar" (because we're all way to classy to talk to people when we actually see them, we should arrange meetings at the plaza, or other like places.) i HAVE been irritated with jon lately, but unable to tell him, because it would have caused him to blow up at me, and have an aneurysm... and i was trying to avoid that...(case in point, storming out of college st. for on the pretense that breakfast was being a jerk... when in fact he wasn't at all.) but, i guess he's been mad at me since thursday? i can imagine i said something to doug at his house because i was mad at jon because he was demanding i go to a REALLY far away party with a drunk driver.... and i said no, and he got angry... and i prolly was ranting about how over the top he was... but, not enough to warrant the absolute junior high strength hatred that is being aimed at me. or maybe it was something i said about matt w. but it that's what it's about, my head's going to explode. i feel like i'm in junior high... only i'm not actually INVOLVED in any of this, because i have NO IDEA what the hell is going on. it's just a general clueless people-seem-to-hate-me kind of crappy week.


and that in addition to everything else that's consistently going wrong, along with some other new things that are giving me about the worst stress ever, not to mention headache, i feel like the only thing i ever eat is aleve. and combined with bouts of heavy drinking, i'm sure i'll be able to add health to my list of woes in no time.


i'm invited to go to brothers with cal tonight... and i half want to go, since i've been hanging out with people that work there... but, they're SO strict about everything, and cover for underage is hella exspensive, and they confiscate fakes. so... i think i'll stick to college st or studio... it wouldn't be so bad if i could perk up, i used to be so energetic all the time, now i just want to sit and watch people and be left alone. (Well, i don't mind if friends come over to talk, but random annoying people i've never met are kind of obnoxious... and they're everywhere. i've tried being relaxed at other bars, but i get hit on so often i get fed up and go home at like... midnight.) oh, i was just like "i could meet up with someone at the deadwood for awhile..." then i remembered that it's prolly not open tonight due to the weird furnace fire last night. i guess there's not a lot of damage, but it looked kinda bad when we walked by last night.


or i could sit at home in my nice clean apartment (which i just recleaned. i don't know WHO aj let stay on the couches last night, but they knocked cushions off, spilled saline all over the bathroom, and almost deconstructed the futon. and woke me up like six times. i was like "Why the heck are they still awake, they're sitting up watching teevee. for like four hours at two am". i was like "AGH!" when i got up this morning. but it's clean again now.) but, i don't know if aj's gonna wanna study or what tonight... and i don't want to confine him to his room if he is studying.... or tempt him with a bunch of people playing cards in the living room. hm.


on the up side, i've had like, three cigarettes in the past two days. i'm so proud of myself. and i only had like two three days ago. but i might buy a pack before i go out because i'm grouchy. and i hate bumming from people at the bar, and if i hang out with zac, he'll want to smoke all the time, and i'll have to go sit in the cold with him whether i'm smoking or not, so i might as well have the choice, and not have to worry about bumming from him all night, because i always feel bad when i have to do that.


ok, it's eight. i'm leaving. to decide what to do, and to put sheets on my bed. the end.