Easter Bunny Baffled By Vegans

The Easter Bunny is a time-honored symbol of the holiday, perhaps even more revered than the image of the Resurrected Jesus Christ. Certainly, the famous bunny is much fuzzier and more huggable. However, these days there are fewer people on the Bunny's list.

In an exclusive interview with The B&S, the Easter Bunny said, "At first, there were just one or two vegans, so it wasn't a big problem. But now, especially on college campuses, there are sizable communities of them, and I just don't know what to do! I mean, I lay eggs! I lay colored eggs, and I hide them! It's what I do! Who wants to have an Easter 'Egg Free Egg Substitute' Hunt? Not me, that's for sure."

PETA spokesperson Beth Hartman wants the Bunny to take things a step further. "Well, of course I don't want any eggs, but that's beside the point. Why is the Easter Bunny helping to further the oppression of animals? If he does have this mythical ability to lay eggs, despite being male and a rabbit, why does he use it to help humans? The Easter Bunny should be ashamed of himself, and stop helping to further the human oppression of his own kind."

When told of these allegations, the Easter Bunny was both "hurt and angered." He told The B&S, "What business is it of theirs what I do with my eggs? Are they going to tell me I should stop wearing fur? Who are they to tell me what to do? You know, I just might have to call up my good friends Santa and the Tooth Fairy. We'll see how they feel after a few years of coal in their stockings and neglected teeth!" The Bunny, after laughing manaically, wished "a very happy Easter" to all readers of The B&S, and promised to bring Grinnellian vegans "lots of that plastic grass stuff, and maybe some Peeps. No wait, those are marshmallows. Fuck."

renata at frowl org

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