Quad Plagued By Hamburglar

Have you ever wondered why the food in the dining hall is so bad? And why, whenever there is something that doesn't suck, it's inevitably gone by the time you get to it?

Well, you clearly have never considered the nuances of mass-production cooking and/or the principles of supply and demand, you moron.

However, there is another, far more sinister explanation for the lack of decent dining hall food: we here at Grinnell College have been victims of the notorious food bandit known only as the Hamburglar.

Head of Campus Security Steven Briscoe explained, "His name's pretty misleading. People think he only steals hamburgers, but really he'll take whatever he can get his hands on. Apparently he's especially fond of gooey butter cake."

The Hamburglar, who originally appeared in lovable McDonald's commercials wherein he would steal delicious hamburgers, only to be thwarted by a frightening clown, a talking McNugget, or a, well, whatever the Grimace is supposed to be, has spiraled out of control.

Albert McCheese, Mayor of McDonaldland and close friend to the Hamburglar, expressed concern for his friend's health. "It started off small, he'd steal maybe one fry at a time, but now... well, I'm afraid soon stealing from dining halls won't be enough."

Psychologist and kleptomania expert Tina Bartlett believed Mayor McCheese's concerns to be logical. "Kleptomaniacs such as the Hamburglar often start small, and once they become confident in their abilities, begin to need to steal larger and more important things, like diamonds, or Canada. "

"What I'm saying," she continued, "is that it doesn't look good for the Hamburglar, but there's always hope. Just look at Carmen Sandiego-she was one of my first clients, and she's now moved on from her life of compulsive geographical crime to owning a successful vegan café in Seattle."

Campus Security, with help from McDonaldland chief of police Big Mac, is attempting to bring the Hamburglar to justice and get him the help he needs.

When reached for comment, the Hamburglar said, "Robble robble!"

renata at frowl org

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