Kerry Pursues Running Mate, Rhyme Scheme

At the Democratic National Convention this summer, John Kerry will officially be named the Democratic nominee for President. Now, speculation is running wildly over whom Kerry will name as his running mate.

A top Democratic advisor said, "All Southerners hate Democrats, they think we make unfair stereotypes about them. So if his vice-presidential candidate doesn't say 'y'all', drink mint juleps, and wrestle pigs, there's no way he'll win down there." To this end, many have speculated that Kerry will choose John Edwards, who found Southern success in the primaries.

Derek McKean, a Kerry aide, disagrees. "Hispanics are the biggest group of minority voters. To balance his pasty-white Massachusetts background, Kerry needs to pick a well-known Hispanic for a running mate. Someone like... uh, the Frito Bandito, or that coffee guy. You know, the one with the donkey?"

Kerry himself, however, seems to be taking a different approach. "Well, I think Marion Barry would be great. His experience as mayor of Washington, DC should really help him as Vice President, and I think the drug charges give him a unique perspective on the system. On the other hand, Marion Berry (D-AR) would be a fine choice too. But I've been looking closely at Matthew Perry," he told The B&S in an exclusive interview. "I figure he'll have some downtime now that Friends is over. Or maybe Jim Carrey, that should score me some points with younger voters. Kerry and Carrey in '04!"

"I've also been in meetings with Chuck Berry," he continued, "I thought maybe he could re-write 'Johnny B. Goode as 'Johnny B. Kerry.'" He then gave a ghoulish laugh and said, "Most people don't realize I have such a great sense of humor."

When asked about the trend in Kerry's suggestions, Mary Beth Cahill, Kerry's campaign manager, sighed. "Yeah, he's really stuck on this rhyming thing. You'd think he'd know by know that there's more to winning an election than just a catchy slogan. I mean, sure, it worked for Eisenhower, but that's the exception, not the rule."

Kerry briefly entertained the thought of inviting the Virgin Mary to be his running mate, but dismissed the idea, fearing it would make him look "too Catholic."

renata at frowl org

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