Ban on Assault Weapons Replaced With Ban on Salt-N-Pepa

Washington, DC- Earlier this month, President Bush allowed the federal ban on many military assault weapons to expire, much to the dismay of many Democrats and people who don't like to be shot. However, much to the dismay of many people who enjoy quality hip-hop music, this has been replaced with a ban on the popular 80s all-female group Salt-N-Pepa, which was passed by the Senate earlier this week.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClelland said, "The President had key intelligence suggesting Salt-N-Pepa presented a risk to our nation's safety. Banning Salt-N-Pepa will reduce the number of weapons used in violent crime by nearly 60%. Stop asking questions, or we'll raise the threat level to red."

McClelland would neither confirm nor deny the rumor that, prior to the time the ban became effective, President Bush had purchased several copies of Salt-N-Pepa's influential album Salt With a Deadly Pepa.

Senator John Kerry (D-MA) opposed the ban, on the basis of the First Amendment and the fact that "'Push It' was a pretty catchy song."

The ban looks to be a key campaign issue, as neither Bush nor Kerry seem particularly interested in talking about important things.

Here on campus, a newly founded student group, Grinnellians for Salt-N-Pepa (GSNP) speaks in favor of Salt-N-Pepa. Group founder Alison Tyler '06 said, "What this country needs is more Salt-N-Pepa, not less. We also need more ferrets."

Pepa was unavailable for comment on the ban, but Salt had strong words for President Bush. "Let's talk about Bush, baby, let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about how this ban is completely gratuitous, since we haven't released an album since 1997." If The B&S still had a resident hip-hop expert, he would surely be of use in this bewildering situation. Unfortunately, however, all we can do is speculate.

renata at frowl org

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