English Major Feigns Enjoyment of Shakespeare

Like many other students at Grinnell, English major John Johnson '06, who prefers to use a pseudonym for obvious reasons, lives in constant fear that his secret will be discovered. However, unlike other students, who hide environmentally-unsound SUVs or particularly kinky pornography, Johnson is hiding a belief that William Shakespeare, often considered the greatest English writer of all time, is "not that great, really. I mean, he was highly derivative and a lot of his stuff is boring and doesn't even make sense."

Johnson, who is currently spending a semester in London, was forced to endure a production of A Winter's Tale last night. However, worse than the play itself was the discussion with his peers following the performance. "I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from yelling, 'What the hell? A statue? The statue came back to life and no one says anything?' Everyone else was all, 'Ooh, it was so beautiful and symbolic,'" he said, in an exclusive B&S interview.

"And the bear! What was up with that bear?" he continued. "Marie [Tillman '06] was like, 'It's a representation of the savage nature of humanity.' But dude, it was just because bear-baiting was big and Shakespeare was a sell-out. What is wrong with these people?" Instead, Johnson reports he was forced to "make up some bullshit about how great it was... what did I say? Something like, his words were like magic that flows through my veins. Oh my God, I thought I was gonna lose it when I said that, and that would totally give me away."

"Do you know what they'd do to me if they found out I didn't really like the Bard? I heard about this kid a couple years ahead of me-- someone overheard her talking about how she thought Romeo and Juliet was kind of contrived... oh man, they found her body in Mears, with a note that said, 'The pen is mightier than the sword, bitch.'"

Jamie Gonzalez '06, a fellow English major, is unaware of Johnson's secret. "I sat next to him at Much Ado About Nothing, and it was so amazing how deeply moved he was. From the look on his face, I could tell he was totally feeling Hero's pain. I just hope he never finds out that I don't really like Walt Whitman. I just couldn't look him in the eye if he knew that about me."

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