Title: Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fungus
Author: Kait (kait at frowl dot org)
Fandom: Rent
Pairing: Mark/Roger
Rating: PG-13


Remus always thought that if one of them were to do the leaving, it would be Sirius. Sirius was gorgeous. When Sirius liked girls, girls liked Sirius. When Sirius liked boys, boys liked Sirius. With that aristocratic profile and grace that followed him everywhere he went, it was hard not to like him. If one of them were to snap and leave, Remus always assumed it would be the one who could afford to leave and easily find someone new, not the one who longed for security and companionship like nothing else.

Still, after a week of cleaning up after Sirius' nasty bout of flu, Remus has had it. As Sirius naps off the remnants of a high fever, Remus spends his afternoon searching for his favourite jumper. He finds it smelling of beer and cigarettes and slightly stretched out of shape, as if someone with shoulders broader than his own had been the last to wear it. He drops it to the floor with a sigh, finds his boots, laces them neatly, and leaves the apartment on his own for the first time since they've moved in.

The summer air is dense, suffocating. He feels like he's wading through it rather than walking through it as he travels through the late afternoon sun that still can't quite manage to burn through the cloudy haze despite it's heat. He doesn't quite understand why he's left, aside from the fact that none of his clothes are his anymore and all of his books are covered with some sticky substance that's either juice or jam and he hasn't seen the floor since they moved in. None of this is really new. He lived with Sirius for seven years before now. He's used to this. He'd be surprised if this wasn't happening. But there's something different now that it's just the two of them. There's something strangling, almost oppressive, about all of Sirius' attention being focused solely on him. Sometimes Sirius will do something as simple as ask Remus to pass the sugar and it's suddenly like he can't breathe anymore.

He's not sure if he's honestly thinking of leaving Sirius as he wades through the crowd, wandering aimlessly in the general direction of Diagon Alley. He's not aware of where he's walking - he has no real destination in mind. Away from the flat. Away from Sirius. At least for the time being.

He's trying to put his finger on why he's left, why he's even thinking about leaving, but more importantly, why he's with Sirius in the first place. It happened so fast, a drunken kiss on his birthday at the start of seventh year, and suddenly they were walking around bumping shoulders and sharing smiles and suddenly they were a couple and suddenly they were sleeping together. Before he knew it they were leaving school and moving in together. It doesn't really seem logical at all. It never has, but now that they're on their own, now that they're out in the world it makes even less sense. Sirius is a prat. He's a slovenly prat. He's a loud, slovenly prat.

Remus is sure he could spend the rest of the afternoon listing adjectives that describe Sirius' less-than-desirable traits, so he stops himself before he gets too carried away. The only good thing he can come up with about their current living arrangements is that Sirius has, somewhere down the line, acquired ridiculously refined cooking skills, whereas Remus' culinary prowess ends at boiling water for tea. Still, cooking skills are not exactly a prime example of a reason to stay with a man.

He needs to sit down. The heat is nearly unbearable and his head is spinning too fast for him to keep up with it, at this rate. He sees a Muggle pub ahead on his right and quickly swoops inside, sighing with relief at the first gust of cool air that the electric fan blows onto his face. He finds a table in the corner that's empty and slides into a seat with some relief, as if sitting down is the first step to getting his thoughts in order, figuring out the logic behind living with Sirius' mess and ill-temperament.

"Lupin, right?" Remus glances up from his hands and frowns. He wasn't expecting to see anyone who recognized him, especially not here in a muggle bar. It's another boy around his age. Nineteen. Maybe younger. It takes him a second to place the face. Joseph McKinnon. He has a sister, Marlene, who Remus has met once or twice. She was a few years older than him. Joseph was in the year below his.

"Yes. And you're Joseph McKinnon." He awkwardly offers his hand, not sure how comfortable he is with the way Joseph's gaze lingers on him.

"Right. Ravenclaw. I'm a seventh year this year. And you just left school." Remus nods, slightly curious as to why this boy knows his life story. "I heard you were living with Sirius Black." Remus raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. "It's not common knowledge or anything, but... Herbert Bloom told me that you were... involved with him at one point, but that you were with Black now."

"Why did he tell you all of this?" Remus says carefully, glancing around to make sure their conversation is not overheard.

"Ah," Joseph stutters, looking slightly embarrassed. "He knew I had a sort of... thing for you." Before Remus can say anything, McKinnon is moving onward. "Anyway, I don't see Black here, and my parents and sister are at some meeting. They'll be gone all night. If you wanted to maybe... get some coffee back at my place or something."

"I prefer tea, actually," Remus finds himself saying, without even thinking about what his response implies.

"We have tea, too." McKinnon is gesturing towards the door and suddenly Remus has no idea what he's doing. This is ridiculous. Joseph McKinnon could barely pass his O.W.L.s and now Remus is going to follow him home? Why in the world would he follow McKinnon to his parents' house, probably to be awkwardly seduced on the settee when Sirius was waiting back at the flat? Why in the world would he even consider this option when he loved Sirius so much that he sometimes felt as if he might burst?

And there it is right there. The answer to the questions he has been pondering all afternoon. He loves Sirius. He always has. Despite the bickering and the mess and the noise, Sirius has had his heart for as long as Remus can remember. Of course there's no logic behind it. Since when has love been logical? He chuckles at his own stupidity as he gets to his feet.

"I'm sorry," he says, wincing slightly at the way McKinnon deflates. "It's just... I've just realized the answer to a question I've had all day. It was quite stupid of me to take this long in answering it but... sometimes love is blind." Now McKinnon just looks confused. "I'm sorry, Joseph, but I am still with Sirius. And he's waiting for me at home. So if you'll excuse me..." he smiles winningly and makes his way towards the exit. After ducking into a deserted back alley, it only takes him a second to apparate into his living room, and five more to cross the length of the hallway and open the bedroom door.

"I'm sorry," he says again, this time to the sleeping figure stretched across the bed. He crawls over Sirius and huddles next to him, sliding his arms around the other man's waist. "I'm sorry, love. I'm sorry."

"Mmph?" Sirius mutters, his face buried in a pillow. "Wha?"

"I'm sorry for leaving. I'll never do it again," Remus replies, pressing his face into Sirius' feverish shoulder. Sirius struggles to roll over, his limbs still heavy with sleep.

"What are you talking about?" he croaks, his throat parched from a mixture of deep sleep and the flu. Remus doesn't say anything, but he pulls Sirius close and runs his fingers through his hair. "Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. Nothing to be sorry for. You're here, aren't you?"

"Yes," Remus whispers, kissing the top of Sirius' head. "I am."

"Then, ah, maybe you could get me some juice?" Sirius looks up at Remus, eyes pleading, a slight pout on his face that just serves to make Remus' heart swell.

"Yes," he says with a laugh. "Of course." He reluctantly pulls himself from Sirius' embrace and leaves the room, promising, with a smile, that he'll return.

"I know," Sirius says. "You always do."

-- fin

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